Posting here cuz this rant that is coming together in my head is too long for the megathread and these events interact too much with my ADHD lol.
I have been off of the site for a bit just cuz I've been feeling so awful :(
Sooo I have some kind of unmanaged ADHD thing that's been wrecking my life for the last few years (it's a long story). The way I mildly kinda cope with it is huge doses of caffeine that sometimes give me the ability to get things I've been putting off (everything) done. But it also destroys my sleep and stresses me out so much I actually think it's starting to kill me lol. I have this issue with my eyes where I get random blind spots that develop and last for like a few minutes to an hour and no doctors have been able to tell me what it is. Stress makes it worse which makes me even more stressed and anxious about it :(
It's hell but somehow I'm still alive even though I feel like I'm nearing death every day. Also developing hypertension lmao. Recently, I actually got my ADHD certified as actually real and existing (diagnosed) but this shit they gave me (atomoxetine) cuz I made the mistake of telling them I've used recreational drugs before just makes me feel more depressed, wrecks my sleep even more, and makes me even more stressed-out lol. Idk I'm looking forward to trying all manner of blood pressure drugs and whatever else they can dig out of the pharmacopoeial backlog that makes me feel worse when I probably just need healthier stimulants to make me more able to deal with living in hellworld. I suppose I could ask but that probably won't go well considering the nurse practitioner who gave me this stuff was dismissive and mean toward me without me even asking for drugs lol. I have met like... maybe 2 nice mental health ""professionals"" in my life? (and I've seen many and not one seriously considered my concerns about ADHD until I met the first good one lol)
Anyway, this brings us to the real topic of this rant: I finally got a shitty, cheap, used MSM8916-based (Qualcomm system-on-chip (derogatory)) Moto G4 Play off of the the Internet after being without a working phone for like the last two weeks. The reason I got this phone in particular is because I deluded myself again into thinking postmarketOS was worth another try and this phone seemed to have decent support. It came yesterday and yesterday I was feeling particularly bad :(
I slept even worse than usual so I thought I would forego the usual caffeinemaxxing, drug myself with this kinda bad-feeling research chem GABAergic I have to calm down, setup this new phone quickly, and go back to bed. Yeah, and then I ended up staying up for the next 18 hrs trying to make this fucking awful phone work with my fucking awful... phone service provider (I'm gonna say PSP from now on) or whatever they're called. The initial setup was easy and fine but the phone had no service in either Android or postmarketOS. I had forgotten my PSP has some kind of rage-inducing IMEI allowlist system where if you're not using a specifically approved phone they won't allow your phone to register with their network regardless of if and has the capabilities they expect from an 4G LTE-speaking phone and it would have worked fine. I tried talking to customer service and they basically said "nah, we're not letting you use your phone, wanna buy another one? If not, get out of my face you disgusting removed modded phone user. I was gonna say you belong in prison for owning that but Linux phone users like you should go to a death camp. We're working on that :)". I had forgotten that this happened last time I got a phone like this and the only way I got around this was by changing the IMEI to an old iPhone. OoooOOOoh, IMEI changing, the forbidden topic of the XDA forums, yeah it's illegal in some places, which is fine because lying about your phone to your PSP is cool and good. Unfortunately, changing the IMEI of this phone was not as easy as with a Pinephone Pro (just one unsanctioned AT command! <3 <3 <3).
So I started on this journey of great trial and discovery: changing the IMEI of the embedded MSM8916 modem. At first, I thought this would be easy... but I underestimated the frustration-power of an undocumented-for-working-class-people SoC meant only to deliver slop into the eyes of a waiting, captive user. I could go into great detail here about what I tried, so many, many things that simultaneously blur into a morass of (ancient (relative to how fast the phone market moves), arcane malware-infested tools and forbidden incantations) and it being so frustrating that I remember it all. Different modem firmware, different Android systems, wiping modem configurations in different orders, different uhhhh "Qualcomm HS-USB Windows diagnostic drivers", (soooo many different tools, first-party (leaked Qualcomm tools) and otherwise), editing the IMEI in backups from Qualcomm tools and trying to write them back, grepping the modem configuration in flash for the IMEI, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. I got so close sometimes but the attempt would always fail for some absolutely inexplicable, indecipherable reason.
For those not aware, this is just what phones are like. It all barely fucking works, any """"""consumer"""""" equipment may fall apart at any moment and be impossible to repair, it has a trillion mechanisms to prevent users from modifying their slop-feeder, data-collecting device yet is riddled with security problems for those with the time, energy, and money to find them (the state lmao), chips or whatever are undocumented except to those who can prove to Qualcomm or whoever that they're a servant of some capitalist who needs documentation in the service of their lord, infrastructure barely interoperates despite the great efforts of phone cartels to standardize because their members can't help themselves from introducing things like vendor-specific extensions or practices like carrier locking or IMEI whitelisting in the endless pursuit of higher profits
Unlimited destruction upon phones, computers are fucked now we need a Butlerian Jihad NOW!
We need to return to PDAs 
Fuck it, I guess I just live without a phone now I sure hope no one needs to call me lmao
Am I really hitting post on this lol
I forgot to mention I also developed some kind of small permanent blind spot just off of my central vision in my right eye during the first time this happened :(
One of the doctors I saw mentioned it could be something like retinal migraines but they weren't confident
Idk maybe it's a brain tumor hard to say. I don't really have a headache problem either
Just feels like I'm dying even though I'm not that old or seemingly unhealthy :(
Yeah, I was going to say migraine aura until I saw your reply.
Not to spook you but have you been checked for MS? Spontaneous, otherwise-unexplained loss of vision, especially if it's transient, points to the need to consider MS.
Not a doctor. Not saying that it is MS. Just saying that it's something that is on the cards.
I haven't, that's very interesting. I'll have to ask about that next time I see a doctor
Thank you
I'm just so fucking tired of having a body at this point
I unironically crave the strength and certainty of steel
Also, ask your eye doctor... any loss in vision should be taken very seriously as it could be an indication of something Very Bad. So, set up an eye exam asap. Walmart sometimes has free eye exams.
I've seen 3 different eye doctors, one was a retinal specialist
Oh and my vision is still 20/20 which is good
I guess to explain it a little bit more, MS attacks the nerves and it's usually diagnosed after the initial major flare-up(s).
It's not uncommon for people with MS to experience optic neuritis - where the optic nerve becomes inflamed due to a flare-up which causes odd vision problems that are not readily explained by other more obvious causes like trauma or a detached retina or migraine and the symptoms tend to shift, and especially they tend to improve by themselves, where in most cases when you're dealing with vision loss it isn't a thing where you're like "Oh it just improved spontaneosly!"
But again, this isn't a diagnosis (if I was even qualified to do so and if I even knew your case history - neither of which are true) so just put this into the maybe pile until it can be ruled out by someone who knows what they're actually talking about.
I can relate to craving the certainty of steel. Wishing you all the best, comrade.
Thanks for the lead, that's like the 2nd thing in my maybe pile along with retinal migraines now lol. I just looked it up and I do experience some of these other nonspecific symptoms...
Thank you