It is year 5, friends, and I will be honest: I am not doing great! My wife and I have been hit once again this evening with the startling shift in decorum when we asked the organizers of an event we would have liked to attend about their Covid policies (spoiler: there aren’t any, there won’t be any, and fuck you for asking, thanks).
Navigating a shrinking world that used to be so full is jarring. I am genuinely not sure how I am supposed to continue existing in society as a person with an autoimmune condition, the highest risk category beside the elderly as it stands- at least, until they change that, too. If by some miracle Covid were eradicated in an instant, if the world “went back to normal” tomorrow, I don’t know how I could after seeing the last four years of this. Four years of my world getting smaller and smaller and smaller until it is only me left to wither and blow away, a tickle of an afterthought to tease the damaged brains of all my peers, drifting; huh, wonder whatever happened to her. Who needs enemies when all and sundry are happy to abandon you- no, endanger you- for the mild inconvenience of wearing a piece of cloth? I talk to my old friends and they speak as if I already died; you did this! I want to scream, this is your fault!
but instead I nod and say how I’m doing well, thanks, hope you’re hanging in there too (no I don’t, not really. I hope you get exactly what you deserve). Everyone has gone mad and by the time they feel the effects of it all it will be too late- and a small wonder if I live to see it through, thanks to them.
I try to stay optimistic. It’s a big world, I guess. Perpetual house arrest at the hands of an effectively zombified populace is not exactly fuel for hope, though. I am not happy, but I don’t have sadness in my heart anymore. I barely have love left in me. All I have is anger, and hate. So, so much hate. A brand of hate which will never go away- and I hate that. Hate. HATE.
I feel this. I've barely gone anywhere or met with people for years now. I basically lost most of my RL "friends" over this. I can't trust other people to take basic precautions or be honest about if they think they might be sick or give even the slightest fuck about protecting vulnerable people and it's making me feral and hateful and lately giving me unhealthy and violent thoughts.
My partner is immune-compromised and we've been extremely fortunate that we haven't had covid yet. But I'm worried everyday if some thoughtless plague rat were to spread it about how much sicker they would get. No human interaction I've had has been able to override the disgust I feel and even though I've been feeling increasingly isolated and lonely and . Cavepilled and hermitmaxxed it is! At least I have a large backlog of games to catch up on?
The other day my partner was on Xitter chewing out someone who was anti-lockdown and anti-masking and saying it was "traumatic" to have to stay home for a couple months. Someone else saw my partner's rant and said that if my partner said that to their face, they would knock their teeth out. The teeth of a disabled person trying desperately not to be social murdered from disease. People are absolutely fucked over this. I guess I'm not the only one with unhealthy and violent thoughts. At least mine come from a place of protecting vulnerable lives and not from trying to silence or destroy voices that make me feel shame for my selfish treat-chasing behavior.
These are the same people who will say “if you don’t want to get sick just stay home” … and then wonder where you’ve been for the last four years and why those permanent bags under your eyes look so angry.
By all metrics regardless of how anyone feels about it, people reveling in taking no precautions while remaining willfully ignorant is an act of violence and mired in eugenics. I don’t think resentment of that is irrational.