I feel like I have been pacing and doomscrolling for hours. I think I've burned through like 20 sticks of incense just to watch the smoke. I NEED to do something but there is nothing I want to do.
Normally when it gets this bad I just smoke but I'm out of weed and that probabky isn't a healthy coping mechanism anyway.
That's why I mentioned the phrase "dopamine detox". The phrase is kind of a fad, but it really does describe that state of mind of wanting something stimulating and not being able to get anything suitable, while oscillating between quick fixes. It's like building up a "tolerance" to stimulation.
You're looking for something to take up all your attention, probably because you've been offered stuff to expand to fill the whole gap all the time, instead of being able to take stock of your situation and reflect.
We have lots of loud music and eye candy and talking heads and sweet and salty foods and drugs that all serve to obscure how out of touch we are with ourselves. Anything, anything to drown out that nagging voice of "what even is this existence, who am I, what's really going on here".
Yeah...
long vent
Reading philosophy has helped with those sorts of questions but I think what I actually need is to go outside and engage with my community and politics. Volunteer work and the like. I am unfortunately well aware that I am seeking a quick fix over long term solutions and there's a lot of guilt tied into that. I struggle with knowing that I engage in the spectacle daily simply as a way to cope with the status quo.
On days where I am really struggling with those thoughts I will turn to learning about marxism and history because it gives the illusion of action but I am still intellectual aware that, while I am improving myself, I am also using these ultimately entertaining forms of education as a medicine for a disease only real praxis can cure.
Yet I am still unable to make that leap. I always have some excuse, some reason I just don't have the time or energy to act. I feel as though I need to train myself to have the patience for the long term reward. Perhaps meditation could be useful to this end.
Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself though. Growing up in a society that prioritizes the short term will do this even to someone who is neurotypical and self hate hasn't worked as a great motivator thus far.
I should definitely spend less time thinking and more time doing. I just really struggle with starting the doing.
Sorry if this is unrelated or doesn't really have a line of reasoning. I just needed to say words
Me too, bud. Me too for all of this. As a slower-witted and aloof ND person, I feel like I've been stumbling through life and only making it through with lucky breaks. And yet things are going well and smoothly enough that I could at least say I'm flopping myself down the road in a certain direction.
You are diligently pursuing college coursework, you have a close personal relationship, you have enough patience to tackle deeper literature, you're well into the habit of working out, and you express yourself well. Most importantly, you care, and have the ability to adapt. There's a whole lot going for you.