I’m so upset, I don’t know what to do. If only there was a form of release I could engage in. Currently there’s nothing I can do. No action I might take as I’ve bound myself from doing anything that may improve my situation. I don’t want to suffer but I think it’s the only recourse I have. I don’t know why. I simultaneously believe that there are options for me to reduce my anguish but any such belief is countered immediately with an appropriate emotionally charged inverse belief that strips me of my agency.
I believe that others, specifically friends, do not do anything to help. I do think that they try within their means and they ask me what it is they can do but when faced with what I might ask and what plays out it does not corroborate their earlier claims. Others seem so insensitive and limited to me. I think, how can they be so very self centred? I don’t understand. I think I do but I also do not and that confuses me a great deal. I don’t like it. Why make these statements, isn’t it apparent that it might do more harm than good? Is distrust not a common enough issue for people at large let alone those who are vulnerable such as I am? It seems so obvious to me but others may not have had the same experience and so I don’t think I can blame them. Even when they specifically request additional information, to be taught, or told.
It feels as though my sadness is used to others’ advantage to assuage their guilt. Rather, I am put in a precarious position to reconcile with them and assure them they have done much. It makes me feel that I am forced into dishonesty. I don’t think I am and then I dislike that I am laying the blame at others feet. But I also think it’s reasonable for me to think so based on my experiences. I would like to say that they have done more than I expected only because my opinion is so low. I regard any motion emanating from their general presence to be noteworthy. I dislike the elitism that I hold in that regard.
For my friend Xanthippe I would like to completely disengage all relations and interactions with her. I had presumed wrongly of her character or ability. I feel foolish and hurt. Why is it that she is unable to care for me as I did for her (at least as it seems to me?). Why is it that my concerns are disparaging to her? I think they are reasonable but that is not what she led with in her response. Why is she so inconsiderate? Why am I surprised? Why am I able to contextualize and not blame her, where others might? I dislike it greatly. Why are comments made praising and gratifying me, appreciating and kind when they are not met with what I would consider appropriate actions? Why can I not accept the actions? Many times this has been the case. I think it’s because I need the other party to accept my viewpoint, to concede to some consensus that is rooted in solidifying my self-serving elitist belief. Despite that I am still upset and my wants and needs are not being filled. How is that explained? Easily as a deficiency of some sort or a mismatch, neither of which are particularly blame-worthy. Yet in the context of my emotions I think they are exceptionally blame-worthy.
Journal: 2022-03-17
I am contending with not always being others’ priority. This condition has plagued me in all my relationships. My familial, romantic, and friendships. With my partner, I feel I need to be the centre of her attention at all times. This has I believe a debilitating effect on her. It paralyzes her and causes her anguish. For some reason or another, I was not always given the attention I wanted when I was an adolescent. My mother would be on the phone talking with her family in her home country, my father was absent, and my brother would be with his friends. I was left alone. I become over invested and become willing to do anything for others as long as they are willing to drop what they are doing and focus on me. This position is untenable for the other party. They have their own needs, wants, and busy lives. It is selfish to an extent but more so enlightening of my constant need for attention and affection. I require attention and affection in a specific form, similar to how a mother might give their child attention when they are young. Unwavering, unquestioning, and constant. Others cannot give this, it is not really reasonable to ask for it either. I can count on my hand the choice few interactions where strangers have truly listened to me and it was wonderful. They are cherished memories.
With my current closest friend, Xanthippe, she believed that our current arrangement of her coming to me with her woes was not sustainable in the long-run nor healthy for our friendship. This to me was the death-knell for our friendship. When I no longer have a productive use I believe I will be given less attention. I seem to want a permanent state of suffering for the other party in effect. Not that I would consciously choose that of course, I want my friends and those I interact with to get better, but apparently it is at a cost. Said cost is my own security. Now that she does not need to come to me for help, I’ll be judged on the merits of my ability to entertain or provide value as a traditional friend. My skills of listening, empathizing, and validation won’t be put to too much use. What then is there for me? This has occurred in the past to me. I understand that Xanthippe is reluctant to agree and she is hopeful for our friendship to continue to bear fruits, but I am doubtful and I have my own history on my side. I seem to sabotage relations by demanding to help others even after they have inevitably begun to improve. As an aside, I seem to ignore those individuals with certain serious problems that I cannot help but which still require it. I fear my own trivialness will be found out over time, I will be ousted as a fraud and as it dawns on the other party our relations will become more and more distant as time goes on. I suppose then I am looking for guarantees. Ones that no normal person could reasonably give. How am I to rid myself of this abandonment schema? I think if I believed I was secure in my friendship, secure with myself, regularly occupied, or given what I want then I would be alright.
Can I say how unfortunate it is for others to not give me the attention I require? I understand it is a lot but it is something I have given to them. It seems like the least that can be done. It causes resentment on my part. How can the other party not do for me what I have already done for them? How ridiculous! I understand currently with Xanthippe I am not preoccupied and my time may be worth less than hers, but I gave much of my time to her nonetheless. That is appreciated but not reciprocated. In other times when I was busier with life I acquiesced in favour of others at my own detriment. I suppose she is only now getting her life on track and unable to do the same for me, but was I not in the same position? Am I not in the same position? What is this unwillingness then? Am I to believe that others’ simply aren’t as capable? That is a hard sell for me. I don’t believe that I have any special ability or anything that allows me to be more empathetic or more willing, but I suppose that is a possibility. One that I cannot readily accept as I have the displeasure of hating myself and considering myself wretched.
Journal: 2020-10-25
I’m so upset, I don’t know what to do. If only there was a form of release I could engage in. Currently there’s nothing I can do. No action I might take as I’ve bound myself from doing anything that may improve my situation. I don’t want to suffer but I think it’s the only recourse I have. I don’t know why. I simultaneously believe that there are options for me to reduce my anguish but any such belief is countered immediately with an appropriate emotionally charged inverse belief that strips me of my agency.
I believe that others, specifically friends, do not do anything to help. I do think that they try within their means and they ask me what it is they can do but when faced with what I might ask and what plays out it does not corroborate their earlier claims. Others seem so insensitive and limited to me. I think, how can they be so very self centred? I don’t understand. I think I do but I also do not and that confuses me a great deal. I don’t like it. Why make these statements, isn’t it apparent that it might do more harm than good? Is distrust not a common enough issue for people at large let alone those who are vulnerable such as I am? It seems so obvious to me but others may not have had the same experience and so I don’t think I can blame them. Even when they specifically request additional information, to be taught, or told.
It feels as though my sadness is used to others’ advantage to assuage their guilt. Rather, I am put in a precarious position to reconcile with them and assure them they have done much. It makes me feel that I am forced into dishonesty. I don’t think I am and then I dislike that I am laying the blame at others feet. But I also think it’s reasonable for me to think so based on my experiences. I would like to say that they have done more than I expected only because my opinion is so low. I regard any motion emanating from their general presence to be noteworthy. I dislike the elitism that I hold in that regard.
For my friend Xanthippe I would like to completely disengage all relations and interactions with her. I had presumed wrongly of her character or ability. I feel foolish and hurt. Why is it that she is unable to care for me as I did for her (at least as it seems to me?). Why is it that my concerns are disparaging to her? I think they are reasonable but that is not what she led with in her response. Why is she so inconsiderate? Why am I surprised? Why am I able to contextualize and not blame her, where others might? I dislike it greatly. Why are comments made praising and gratifying me, appreciating and kind when they are not met with what I would consider appropriate actions? Why can I not accept the actions? Many times this has been the case. I think it’s because I need the other party to accept my viewpoint, to concede to some consensus that is rooted in solidifying my self-serving elitist belief. Despite that I am still upset and my wants and needs are not being filled. How is that explained? Easily as a deficiency of some sort or a mismatch, neither of which are particularly blame-worthy. Yet in the context of my emotions I think they are exceptionally blame-worthy.
Journal: 2022-03-17
I am contending with not always being others’ priority. This condition has plagued me in all my relationships. My familial, romantic, and friendships. With my partner, I feel I need to be the centre of her attention at all times. This has I believe a debilitating effect on her. It paralyzes her and causes her anguish. For some reason or another, I was not always given the attention I wanted when I was an adolescent. My mother would be on the phone talking with her family in her home country, my father was absent, and my brother would be with his friends. I was left alone. I become over invested and become willing to do anything for others as long as they are willing to drop what they are doing and focus on me. This position is untenable for the other party. They have their own needs, wants, and busy lives. It is selfish to an extent but more so enlightening of my constant need for attention and affection. I require attention and affection in a specific form, similar to how a mother might give their child attention when they are young. Unwavering, unquestioning, and constant. Others cannot give this, it is not really reasonable to ask for it either. I can count on my hand the choice few interactions where strangers have truly listened to me and it was wonderful. They are cherished memories.
With my current closest friend, Xanthippe, she believed that our current arrangement of her coming to me with her woes was not sustainable in the long-run nor healthy for our friendship. This to me was the death-knell for our friendship. When I no longer have a productive use I believe I will be given less attention. I seem to want a permanent state of suffering for the other party in effect. Not that I would consciously choose that of course, I want my friends and those I interact with to get better, but apparently it is at a cost. Said cost is my own security. Now that she does not need to come to me for help, I’ll be judged on the merits of my ability to entertain or provide value as a traditional friend. My skills of listening, empathizing, and validation won’t be put to too much use. What then is there for me? This has occurred in the past to me. I understand that Xanthippe is reluctant to agree and she is hopeful for our friendship to continue to bear fruits, but I am doubtful and I have my own history on my side. I seem to sabotage relations by demanding to help others even after they have inevitably begun to improve. As an aside, I seem to ignore those individuals with certain serious problems that I cannot help but which still require it. I fear my own trivialness will be found out over time, I will be ousted as a fraud and as it dawns on the other party our relations will become more and more distant as time goes on. I suppose then I am looking for guarantees. Ones that no normal person could reasonably give. How am I to rid myself of this abandonment schema? I think if I believed I was secure in my friendship, secure with myself, regularly occupied, or given what I want then I would be alright.
Can I say how unfortunate it is for others to not give me the attention I require? I understand it is a lot but it is something I have given to them. It seems like the least that can be done. It causes resentment on my part. How can the other party not do for me what I have already done for them? How ridiculous! I understand currently with Xanthippe I am not preoccupied and my time may be worth less than hers, but I gave much of my time to her nonetheless. That is appreciated but not reciprocated. In other times when I was busier with life I acquiesced in favour of others at my own detriment. I suppose she is only now getting her life on track and unable to do the same for me, but was I not in the same position? Am I not in the same position? What is this unwillingness then? Am I to believe that others’ simply aren’t as capable? That is a hard sell for me. I don’t believe that I have any special ability or anything that allows me to be more empathetic or more willing, but I suppose that is a possibility. One that I cannot readily accept as I have the displeasure of hating myself and considering myself wretched.