While I would never tell a comrade to do anything they don't want to do. I still think it would be worth your while to look into state funded rehabs then go the rehab to half way house route. Rehab sucks and AA is bullshit but if you can just fake it and pretend to go along you can get into possibly a permanent housing situation. Again, not telling you what to do, but just ideas that might work and make things better.
Ok so this situation has gotten me to come back from a rather lovely period of touching grass. I fully intend to go back to touching grass after this, but, well, I think I have a unique and perhaps useful perspective on all of this, so I'm sharing it here.
So. You received a large donation. What some are calling a life-changing amount of money. And yeah, that kind of money certainly has the potential to be life-changing. One person said it's not possible for a lump sum like that to help someone escape homelessness, and I have to disagree; I myself helped someone on this very website escape homelessness with a relatively similar amount of money. But, it wasn't life-changing for you. Some people are offended by this. Some people are sympathetic. But none of that changes the reality that what you needed was, it seems, more than just that lump sum.
But I hope that you can at least take some useful lessons from this experience. I hope you've learned how quickly a pile of money can vanish into the wind. I have no doubt that's a tough pill to swallow, and I'm sure it's hard to see that as any kind of silver lining. But take it from someone who has had a very similar experience, on a somewhat grander scale: those lessons do have value.
You see, I wasn't into meth, so I can't say I get what you're dealing with there. But I was into weed (still am, truth be told, so your experience will likely have to differ, in that I don't think you can escape where you are without ditching your drug-of-choice). I was very into weed. I don't think dab rigs existed back then, but I went as hard on weed and its various concentrates (kief, bubble hash, hash oil) as it was possible to go: hot-knives, then fancy glass hot-knives, then an expensive glass gravity bong--which I eventually semi-destroyed while in the throes of a bad mushroom trip--and a fancy custom-made bubbler that had my name written on it, in glass (I still have that one, a relic of my incredibly foolish youth; I haven't used it in at least a decade now).
Because yes, I too received a large pile of money. Only mine was an order of magnitude larger than yours, and I was quite young. I put 40% of the money into a sensible investment--a real estate venture. In the mid-2000s. And I squandered the entire rest of it. I had more than ten times as much money as you did, but it only lasted about four times as long.
My point in telling this story is to make it clear that you can come back from this. And when you do, you will hopefully recognize the importance of stewarding your hard-won gains more carefully than you did in recent weeks.
But! You need a plan. You need to figure out how to leverage any and all resources you have to make a change. I won't pretend that's easy, and honestly my path was much easier than yours will be (I moved back home, got a temp job for a while, slowly got back into school, and eventually graduated with a degree that I could use to pay off the massive debt I had by then accrued; not an option available to most people, I'm afraid.) But the reason I was able to do that, where I had failed utterly at doing so before, was because I took stock of what had happened, my experiences trying desperately to find jobs after my money ran out, and assessed what I needed to do to ensure that I would never find myself in such a situation again, and then once I had chosen a direction, I pushed forward on it until I had gotten where I needed to be.
Your road will be hard, yes, harder than mine, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I think it starts with finding the will within yourself to get off the hard drugs. They're not doing you any favors; rather, they're an anchor dragging you down. From there, I think finding a steady job is your best bet, and perhaps a halfway house might provide you someplace to sleep at night while you look. And perhaps from there, if you aren't satisfied with the jobs available to you, to pursuing an education. (One word of advice, if you want to make that leap to education: get an education that will get you a job. It's not worth it if you don't have job prospects waiting at the other end, especially if you have to borrow to do it.)
I hope this comment is helpful to you in some way, and that your situation gets better in time.
I have (or had) a friend who used to be in my sorta position, and then they got the COVID unemployment shit—idk exactly how much but it was five figures—and it changed their life. When I was out shopping and whatnot I’d say to myself Heh, I’m just like them now.
I know you have a lot going on and I'm not trying to condescend you but if the 4k you received a month ago is already gone then no amount of money people on hexbear give you is going to change your situation. Working under capitalism sucks but as long as you live in a capitalist country you need a job to survive. Why not ask hexbear users to help you look for one? In your situation that would be much more beneficial than asking for more donations. It also sounds like you need an in-person support group to help you emotionally and mentally. Do you have a local socialist party (PSL, CPUSA) you can join? It will help with the loneliness.
I wish I could say something to uplift you out of all negativity, but the pain you are going through is definitely intense. I'm reading through this and learning of what happened, and I feel so damn deeply and even very distraught myself just knowing the situation you're in.
I don't want to fault you for what happened. We are a leftist community, and you're in a situation that tends to be incredibly difficult to handle within the context of a capitalist system.
Knowing how hurtful the reactions were, I just want to let you know that I see you as a good soul who is unfortunately a victim of capitalism's extreme abuses leading people like you to suffer for no good reason.
Like @SorosFootSoldier@hexbear.net said, a state-funded rehab might be a good route for you to take, but another thing I want to emphasize that he said is that I also don't want to tell you what is and is not the best for you to do. I just want you to feel better. I am seriously in tears reading about all of this you're going through.
Im sure you arent apologizing to me... My heart goes out for you. I really wonder what might be best in addition to stable money stuff... Ive been thinking about you after I sent that giftcard a while back, wondering what it might mean to 'meet you where you're at', my thoughts are below
I sorta noticed that (rightfully imo) you're reaching out for non-monetary help but a public discussion board isnt really a place to build trust or communicate more intimate stuff. Anything some comrades here could do to make you more comfortable, to like build a bridge or something?
What i mean is sorta related to the comment you made about the problems with drug stuff and in general isnt the drug and its affect but the social aspect. And i think thats wise and that means the social part (obv incl having enougy money and stable cashflow) is building friendships or at least sharing intimate details with whoever will listen and who will give the needed respect and decency (so no blame game or oppression olympica). If you wanna chat or msg im always down, not too interested in sharing my cell but there are other platforms (liek matrix which is where the lemmygrad comrades are at) that work well enough
I understand asking others to open up is a huge ask, it always felt off even in therapy, the sorta imbalance of knowing personal details. Let me share straight from my journal cuz i feel (in my opinion) i had at least a similar experience with losing a friend, im gonna put my money where my mouth is and share stuff from my life:
FYI the friendship never recovered and I did worse and worse things...
Journal: 2019-03-27
I’m waiting impatiently with my legs undulating up and down. The back of my hand is planted on my cheek and I close my eyes while staring off on in the distance. What does anyplace have for me, on this good earth?
A student who does not study. A lover who does not love. Finally, a person who will not live. I’m a sponge that has been wrought dry and left in the sun. I retain some shape, but I am filled with cracks and pockets of empty space.
Fault lines run through repositories of memories encased in my mind. They once brought satisfaction. Presently, they show me the distorted lens I view reality. I try to fall through the earth to be forgotten.
I should stop thinking, then I will stop hoping.
My worst fear is that I will not die. That the suffering will continue indefinitely. I am astounded that I do not kill myself and simply let those around me down. To take the cowards way out. Perhaps I will eventually.
Furrowed brows suit my face.
I don’t want to do anything. What’s wrong with me? I can’t stand myself. I am unable to perform. There is nothing in this world for me. Why do I have to suffer? I wasn’t wrong!
Journal: 2019-09-03
I noticed when I take my medicine in the morning when I’m supposed to my mood is great and it seems to be the most effective. When I take it later in the day I become irritable earlier. Another thing to note is that I become focused (I wrote ‘really’ focused but I know that is much more intense). Currently, I am switching between tasks and it’s almost like tunnel vision but not with my eyes and what I see but with I do. Audio is still there but it’s easier to ignore. I am more efficient at switching tasks (at least with software, the shortcuts and typing is almost muscle memory) but there are also some pauses. The pauses feel longer, sometimes they are definitely shorter than normal. Seems like it may be more erratic.
I am getting tired and it’s 12pm: woke up at 6am or so, and earlier but I didn’t go on my phone. Also I slept at maybe late 12am or 1am after talking to Helena while in bed and after doing some physical activity and napping earlier in the day.
There’s a lot is stuff I’m remembering to do and I am a mood to be productive. I have a warm feeling in my chest near my heart but closer to the centre along with my stomach/belly feeling constricted, warm, and some kind of stringy feeling that feels like a lattice is being stretched.
My eyes are heavyish and I am blinking a lot. They are watering more than usual. Can’t tell if my hair on my face is bothering me or or less, but I’m leaning on less.
Journal: 2020-10-25
I’m so upset, I don’t know what to do. If only there was a form of release I could engage in. Currently there’s nothing I can do. No action I might take as I’ve bound myself from doing anything that may improve my situation. I don’t want to suffer but I think it’s the only recourse I have. I don’t know why. I simultaneously believe that there are options for me to reduce my anguish but any such belief is countered immediately with an appropriate emotionally charged inverse belief that strips me of my agency.
I believe that others, specifically friends, do not do anything to help. I do think that they try within their means and they ask me what it is they can do but when faced with what I might ask and what plays out it does not corroborate their earlier claims. Others seem so insensitive and limited to me. I think, how can they be so very self centred? I don’t understand. I think I do but I also do not and that confuses me a great deal. I don’t like it. Why make these statements, isn’t it apparent that it might do more harm than good? Is distrust not a common enough issue for people at large let alone those who are vulnerable such as I am? It seems so obvious to me but others may not have had the same experience and so I don’t think I can blame them. Even when they specifically request additional information, to be taught, or told.
It feels as though my sadness is used to others’ advantage to assuage their guilt. Rather, I am put in a precarious position to reconcile with them and assure them they have done much. It makes me feel that I am forced into dishonesty. I don’t think I am and then I dislike that I am laying the blame at others feet. But I also think it’s reasonable for me to think so based on my experiences. I would like to say that they have done more than I expected only because my opinion is so low. I regard any motion emanating from their general presence to be noteworthy. I dislike the elitism that I hold in that regard.
For my friend Xanthippe I would like to completely disengage all relations and interactions with her. I had presumed wrongly of her character or ability. I feel foolish and hurt. Why is it that she is unable to care for me as I did for her (at least as it seems to me?). Why is it that my concerns are disparaging to her? I think they are reasonable but that is not what she led with in her response. Why is she so inconsiderate? Why am I surprised? Why am I able to contextualize and not blame her, where others might? I dislike it greatly. Why are comments made praising and gratifying me, appreciating and kind when they are not met with what I would consider appropriate actions? Why can I not accept the actions? Many times this has been the case. I think it’s because I need the other party to accept my viewpoint, to concede to some consensus that is rooted in solidifying my self-serving elitist belief. Despite that I am still upset and my wants and needs are not being filled. How is that explained? Easily as a deficiency of some sort or a mismatch, neither of which are particularly blame-worthy. Yet in the context of my emotions I think they are exceptionally blame-worthy.
Journal: 2022-03-17
I am contending with not always being others’ priority. This condition has plagued me in all my relationships. My familial, romantic, and friendships. With my partner, I feel I need to be the centre of her attention at all times. This has I believe a debilitating effect on her. It paralyzes her and causes her anguish. For some reason or another, I was not always given the attention I wanted when I was an adolescent. My mother would be on the phone talking with her family in her home country, my father was absent, and my brother would be with his friends. I was left alone. I become over invested and become willing to do anything for others as long as they are willing to drop what they are doing and focus on me. This position is untenable for the other party. They have their own needs, wants, and busy lives. It is selfish to an extent but more so enlightening of my constant need for attention and affection. I require attention and affection in a specific form, similar to how a mother might give their child attention when they are young. Unwavering, unquestioning, and constant. Others cannot give this, it is not really reasonable to ask for it either. I can count on my hand the choice few interactions where strangers have truly listened to me and it was wonderful. They are cherished memories.
With my current closest friend, Xanthippe, she believed that our current arrangement of her coming to me with her woes was not sustainable in the long-run nor healthy for our friendship. This to me was the death-knell for our friendship. When I no longer have a productive use I believe I will be given less attention. I seem to want a permanent state of suffering for the other party in effect. Not that I would consciously choose that of course, I want my friends and those I interact with to get better, but apparently it is at a cost. Said cost is my own security. Now that she does not need to come to me for help, I’ll be judged on the merits of my ability to entertain or provide value as a traditional friend. My skills of listening, empathizing, and validation won’t be put to too much use. What then is there for me? This has occurred in the past to me. I understand that Xanthippe is reluctant to agree and she is hopeful for our friendship to continue to bear fruits, but I am doubtful and I have my own history on my side. I seem to sabotage relations by demanding to help others even after they have inevitably begun to improve. As an aside, I seem to ignore those individuals with certain serious problems that I cannot help but which still require it. I fear my own trivialness will be found out over time, I will be ousted as a fraud and as it dawns on the other party our relations will become more and more distant as time goes on. I suppose then I am looking for guarantees. Ones that no normal person could reasonably give. How am I to rid myself of this abandonment schema? I think if I believed I was secure in my friendship, secure with myself, regularly occupied, or given what I want then I would be alright.
Can I say how unfortunate it is for others to not give me the attention I require? I understand it is a lot but it is something I have given to them. It seems like the least that can be done. It causes resentment on my part. How can the other party not do for me what I have already done for them? How ridiculous! I understand currently with Xanthippe I am not preoccupied and my time may be worth less than hers, but I gave much of my time to her nonetheless. That is appreciated but not reciprocated. In other times when I was busier with life I acquiesced in favour of others at my own detriment. I suppose she is only now getting her life on track and unable to do the same for me, but was I not in the same position? Am I not in the same position? What is this unwillingness then? Am I to believe that others’ simply aren’t as capable? That is a hard sell for me. I don’t believe that I have any special ability or anything that allows me to be more empathetic or more willing, but I suppose that is a possibility. One that I cannot readily accept as I have the displeasure of hating myself and considering myself wretched.
Hey, I'm a day late to this thread so I don't really have all the context, but it sounds like some assholes weren't happy about how quickly you used a large donation, said some shitty things, and you may be internalizing some of that.
All I want to say is that you have no one to apologize to other than yourself and others in your irl life. And only you and they can possibly determine if that's even warranted.
$4000 is a very large and generous donation, but it's nothing in comparison to the problems the unhoused experience in this country, especially unhoused people suffering from addiction. You would have needed a very good string of good luck for this to turn things around for you for the long term, and it's not at all a moral judgement on you that things didn't work out.
From the sounds of it, it bought you food and comfort over the past month, and that alone is nothing to be ashamed of.
Anyway comrade, that's all I wanted to say. Feel free to DM me if you ever need someone to talk things through with, I'm here.
Nothing to be sorry for comrade. Anything on your mind?
I flushed $4k down the toilet and everyone got rightfully mad at me.
I'm not mad at you.
I wish you could have used it to better your situation but I'm honestly just glad you didn't od and die.
I told my woman friend how happy I was that someone gave you money.
Yeah I was worried when she disappeared for almost a week that she might not be coming back.
Glad to see you're okay comrade.
I didn’t spend all of it nor most of it or even half of it on drugs, no. I can’t really provide too much detail here.
And that is proof I’m lying? You would get a motel room first thing if you had been in my shoes, and? I had other things going on that staying at a motel would fuck with
I spent probably hundreds of dollars ordering DoorDash. I didn’t “prioritize getting high.” Fuck off.
Because what you’re saying isn’t fucking true. But I’m a drug addict so of course I’m lying.
don't be bothered by what a piece of garbage like that has to say. somebody like that isn't worth the air they breathe. I'm enraged that they'd have the nerve to speak to somebody like that. fuckin' liberals.
They got like 18 upbears and people commenting in agreement.
truly disgusting behaviour on behalf of this sites users. utterly disappointing. trash like that compromise the entire purpose of the community. sub-human filth who would rather scold those in difficult situations than extend a helping hand. quintessential liberal behaviour. those who have never truly struggled in life and do not care for those who have, yet put on the mask of allyship as if their intentions are to aid when their intentions are to admonish. these people are not worth the air they breathe. please do not allow the dirty words of these demons to bother you. especially when you're the kind of person who would receive a donation of that scale and still use it to help others. I would like to see any liberals plan for how any lump sum payment could uplift somebody out of homelessness. these liberals are obsessed with fantasies of noble White Men pulling themselves up by their boot straps. they're incapable of seeing reality. they're delusional, holier than thou monsters.
that's how i see it.
to scold someone in a more difficult position than oneself is such a disgusting act. it fills me with rage. you've done nothing wrong. that's the simple truth.
I agree with the sentiment, but "demons" and "sub-human filth"? Yes, these people probably have no concept of their situation but talking like that isn't doing anything to convince them they're wrong or to see things from a different point of view.
how any lump sum payment could uplift somebody out of homelessness.
it can certainly happen but the stars have to align on a very single clear cause. I helped a migrant family like a month ago who got pulled over with a gun in the car, which made the county impound it until they could pay $2k to get it back. Doordash was their only source of income so they couldn't pay rent and no longer could sleep in their car either. Local jail support org was able to get them a couple days of hotel while we tried and failed to get their car back with bribes, and ultimately I and some other contributors were able to give them like $600 for their first month's rent in another state. At that point they almost immediately found two under-the-table jobs and became self-sustaining. They're probably still precarious but at least they're housed now. Really nice folks with a cute toddler.
But the thing is they had good connections in the immigrant community which allowed them to get an apartment without proof of income, and to quickly get those jobs. Two adults getting min wage can make rent so they literally just needed the starting capital. It's harder for a person on their own because the kinds of job you can get at a moment's notice generally don't pay enough to live without a roommate. Idk I think that all we can say is that allthetimesivedied needed something other than $4k - maybe just more capital, maybe a different kind of thing.
trash like that compromise the entire purpose of the community
Mods do not vet individual mutual aid requests. Donate at your own risk and hold each other accountable.
That's rule one of this community. How exactly do we "hold each other accountable" if not by calling into question the sincerity of long-time users who have received thousands of dollars from this comm and still come back asking for more?
edit: and just to add, part of the reason im invested is I have given OP money. On multiple occasions. Not small amounts of it either. Hours of my life, spent working. I have absolutely no problem "extending a helping hand." It sucks to see that OP would rather use that money for drugs than to shower. I know that that's what addiction is like, and I know it's not so much a conscious choice as a compulsion. But more money isn't going to help with that. OP has to fundamentally change the way they are approaching life and the money that they are given before giving them money is going to help anything.
11 days ago, OP had over $1000. now OP is asking for $20 to buy food. what happened to the $1000? where did it go? how in the world can they possibly not have $20 left? it does not sound sincere. and when people ask them where these thousands of dollars are going, they get vague answers about "hundreds of dollars to doordash" and then they get cursed out.
I mean, I fucked up pretty bad. I could’ve gotten a car or something. I thought this would be what turns things around for me. A once in a lifetime occurrence, all fucked up. I was set up for failure before I was even born, but so were a lot of people who know how to responsibly handle $4,000.
To be realistic 4k isn't all that much money and whomever gifted you was obviously well off enough that it wasn't a big deal to them to drop it on a stranger. It certainly wasn't enough to get a good car with the way prices are now on used ones, or so I hear.
not a good car but a car, unless the market is locally fucked in Portland. In Chicago for instance I see several 07-09 Sentras with ~120k for $3k on Facebook Marketplace which would get you from A to B for a couple years. Nicer than my last car, there's probably some $2k shitboxes still
They way people were making it out in the thread OP told us about her getting gifted the money people were saying that money still wouldn't be enough. My point is we can sit here and heap blame and make her feel worse than she already does or be realistic about the situation and try to see a way forward, I think. I still come back to her best bet being set up with some sort of rehab to halfway house pipeline that could involve social services. A lot of hw houses have work programs that shuttle you back and forth and could be a way to make up some savings to get into an apartment. Spitballing ideas ofc but that's what I keep coming back to. I wanted to do something similar to this myself at one point.
yeah I think housing first usually. car as housing was a reasonable idea, I'm not gonna knock the plan too much, but clearly it didn't work. IMO it is actually kind of hard to buy a cheap car that works on a tight timeline. Especially because budget wasn't $4k, it was like $2k. Needed to be enough left over to pay for gas/insurance/repairs/parking tickets until she was able to get a paycheck. Takes a lot of time on the internet, multiple meetups, negotiation, possibility of getting robbed, etc. I think calendar time 2 weeks last time I bought a shitbox, and the clock is ticking at $90+ a day if you're in an SRO hotel or something.
I have no experience with halfway houses and stuff, every institution that theoretically gives people free housing that I've interacted with here has been pretty bad unfortunately
I have no experience with halfway houses and stuff, all my contact with institutions that theoretically give people free housing has been pretty bad unfortunately
They can be hit or miss from what I've gathered. You can luck out and find a good one or one run by assholes. Obviously you gotta be sober to stay in them though, hence why I recommended rehab first. The way I've always seen it broken down is most people come from rehab or prison to a halfway house. Not sure if they take people otherwise, might be worth looking into.
My dm's are always open, if you ever need to talk to a fellow addict.
Though it seems like drugs really aren't exactly your big problem right now, and I'm not sure how much I can help.
Don't hate yourself. Hate the society we live in that makes the simple act of existing a monumental task. I'd help out if I could, but my financial situation is bad enough that I've been considering asking for mutual aid myself, even despite the fact that I'm relatively privileged compared to you. Stay strong.
