Not for a lack of trying, I assure you. It's just that no matter how hard I try, my mind won't accept it.
The thought of life and existence being ultimately meaningless (Something else my mind fights against, despite knowing it's true) is too much of a blow to my psyche to overcome and look at light-heartedly.
I'm just so desperate to have a purpose and meaning in my life, but at the same time I can't sincerely believe in any religion or afterlife. I try to "live in the moment" and "be happy and make others happy", but it just isn't enough. I need something more.
Edit: Thank you everyone for their responses so far, I do read them all. They give me something to ponder and think about, maybe even leading to a solution.
well technically absurdism is based on the idea that nothing matters and attempting to create any personal meaning is a doomed attempt so you should just give up hope while still trying. i disagree with this mostly just because i think it's sort of a placid acceptance of said abrahamic mindset, an admission that you think that it is fundamentally impossible to give yourself direction without a God, even though it objectively is possible to do so. Camus conflation with the unabashed pursuance of one's own goals, and placid service to God, is probably the most weird thing I've heard about him. it is absolutely not philosophical suicide to simply do things you know you want to do because (satisfaction/socialization/pleasure/interest/curiosity/hunger/horniness/vague musings). I think the way I've heard about the concept, as the idea that the futile search for truth and meaning is a price we pay to experience the joys of life, is telling. Camus still thinks he needs to justify what he wants to do in his life with some sort of higher purpose, which isn't surprising, so many people seem to think that even nowadays. Even though you can just... do things you want. If you were to have a true meaning or objective purpose it would literally not effect you in any way except negatively.