And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
Damn my dumbass didn't call myself a Marxist till I was 22-23.
Rap, particularly Lupe Fiasco, Joey Bada$$, Killer Mike, Mos Def, and Talib Kweli definitely brought me in the fold too.
@TheChemist@hexbear.net everyone starts at different times and different paces, so long as your hearts in the right place, you're good.
Dead Prez was a huge part of forming my political consciousness
I was an anarchist for most of my time, or at least I called myself that cause I hadn't really established what Marxism was too well until I was like 25 or so, it wasn't really that I adopted ML theory, I kinda came to it organically and then found out it's what the Soviet union had been doing this whole time! So yeah, broadly leftist since a young age but didnt really have a coherent ideology aside from calling myself an anarchist when it turned out I hadn't been along until my mid 20s. I also got into the punk scene real young where very eclectic and often incoherent leftism is the norm.
But yeah, this is a global project and we need almost everyone to get on the trolley eventually, we can't afford to arrogantly dismis people for not going to the library first, that's counter productive and counter ideological