And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.

The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.

So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.

I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.

So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?

  • ReadFanon [any, any]
    ·
    1 month ago

    Which audiobook version of capital did you listen to, out of curiosity?

    • Hestia [she/her, love/loves]
      ·
      1 month ago

      Andrew S. Rightenburg has some videos on YouTube that cover the whole thing. It's better than the audible version and it's free. When he starts getting to the chapters talking about historical working conditions you can sense his anger.

      • ReadFanon [any, any]
        ·
        1 month ago

        Andrew S Rightenber lore time: Did you know he recorded all of Capital Volume 1, and I think all or most of 2 before he decided that he was dissatisfied with the recording so the absolute madlad goes back and re-records everything from the very start.

        Apparently one doesn't need to imagine Sisyphus happy when looking at Andrew because that guy just joyfully rolls that boulder up the hill again.