Does this make sense at all? In my head, it’s the most clear. When written, I feel like I’m not able to fully express what I’m thinking. When speaking, it’s like fucking Russian roulette and can be wonderfully put together and eloquent or stroke-like.
Is there any way to improve this or is it just the way my damn brain works?
Something I've noticed is this problem goes away when I'm talking about something technical, or within my "special interests". But then I fall apart if I'm trying to do something like summarize a movie or explain how I feel. If I'm explaining something like polyploidy in plants, my speech becomes fluid and I'm able to adjust my vocabulary/rhythm for the audience. If I want to talk about the movie I saw a couple hours ago, it's hopeless.
Like with every other autistic trait, it's a human brain thing that just tends to have different patterns with autistic people. Neurotypical people also have the experience of not being able to express themselves, but I think being better with social cues/nonverbal communication helps them fill in the gaps. And they usually get a lot more practice.
But it's extremely annoying and gets in the way of building any relationships. Therapy has definitely helped.
I’ve had so many instances where my poor intonation and tone ruin the thought. The focus on how I say something is what matters in the end unfortunately. I’m sure this hits home for a lot of NDs
I think this might be a sign to start masking again and deal with the ensuing burnout later