I want to preface this by saying I’m not s*icidal. I’m not. I’m just tired of feeling this way.

I’m unhappy. I’m angry. I’m empty. I’m emotionally stunted. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I’m tired of waking up in pain. I’m tired of feeling like a stranger everywhere I go. I have no friends. I work 7 tens a week. I HAVENT HAD A DAY OFF WORK IN OVER A MONTH STRAIGHT! Im pushing almost 300 hours the last four weeks alone. I don’t enjoy work anymore. It’s six AM and I’ve been up since three, aside from the first twenty minutes I haven’t quit crying. I never see my kids anymore and when I do I’m so wiped out from work that I can’t do anything but sit down.

I don’t like the man I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I’m so desperate for some inner peace. I don’t know where to turn. Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t know why. I’m on number four in about 18 months. I so desperately long for a human connection with someone. Any one.

This place isnt the cause. But I feel like the time I spend here could be better spent trying to fix whatever is wrong with me. I don’t think I’ll be back. I won’t be missed. I’m not a likable person and I don’t think I have been for some time.

Anyway, take care yall. I’m so sorry for being an asshole. Please accept my apology and understand that I don’t want to be this person any more. I so badly want to fix whatever is broken in me.

EDIT - I called in to work. I’m taking today off. I’m going to go have a conversation with my sister about some of the stuff rattling around in my head. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and find another counselor, I think.

I’m reconsidering deleting my account, but I’m still going MIA a while. Thank you guys for the kind words. I’ll be back eventually, hopefully less stressed.

Bye for now.

  • the_post_of_tom_joad [any, any]
    ·
    18 days ago

    I've seen you and think you're cool. Dun remember why but i trust my judgement. Therefore ipso facto you are wrong, i will miss you.

    Some of what you're feeling is definitely colored by your exhaustion. I don't care if it's frowned upon, if you can afford to take more days off going forward then you must. Is this possible? .

    I am on the same path, (oh no, makin it bout me) though i actually was suicidal. These recent days are maybe the first in... 5 years(?) where i haven't thought about my special pill bottle at least once a day. Wtf, like i really turned a corner, found a tiny clearing, whatever chuckycheese-ass affirmations phrase you want. it's real. It's real! Even though i never once had faith I'd get here. Fucking never lol. Still kinna surprised if that's not clear.

    So take care brother, listen to yourself and your family and i'll see you when you come back.