It sounds like you went through some heavy trauma to bring you to that mindset.

It's hard enough navigate dating and relationships, even worse when you have baggage with the gender you're attracted to.

I'm not going to try to diagnose you or compare your opportunities with mine. I don't know you enough for that. Instead, I'll be honest about my own experience.

Navigating dating as a gay man is difficult for me, in part due to male figures in my life. It's still hard for me to separate men in general from what I understand or want men to be. Sometimes that means I fall for bullshit or get myself into bad situations. Other times it means I have unrealistic expectations for men I date and disappoint myself when they don't live up to them.

I enjoy my identity in the LGBT community, but it took a long time to get there and it's still hard. It's an ongoing process to deprogram internalized homophobia and put the things I've been through into a healthy perspective.

I used to wish I was straight for the sake of an easier life, but that wouldn't undo the pain I felt, because really, my sexual orientation wasn't the source of that pain. And my relationship issues would work their way into my life, regardless of who my partner was.

I don't know your situation, but I wish you well on your processing.