Trying hard to keep my chin up and my jaw gritted. Winter holidays feel like they get worse for my headspace every year, mix in the current geopolitical climate and the insufferability of Amerikan liberals, and it's a wonder I haven't outright split on anybody irl yet.

Hard to explain how I feel, it's like I have two bodies moving in the same time, idk what it is but I don't like it, thankfully the ceasefire happened and I can close my eyes for a while now also some girl told me "I like your hair, lady" today, which felt affirming ig

Empty as usual, Regretting things, still finding a job, and feeling like a sorry excuse for a marxist.

I didn’t mention it on Lemmygrad, but in one of the matrix rooms I told my friend Ayjan that I was actually crying several minutes after I read the comment ‘The Ottoman Empire did many things wrong[.] The worst was losing at Vienna[.]’ I’m not Armenian myself, but that comment actually hurt my feelings because it implied that the Armenian massacres were a ‘minor’ mistake. I thought about the awful things that the German media said about the Armenians, and the violence that the Armenians suffered reminded me of the Fascist destruction of Kufra, so I cried for about one dozen minutes. I had to calm down because I had work to do.

Today I am feeling mostly adequate… though I am still unhappy about the situation in the Middle East, and having to think about the Axis’s exterminatory ambitions gives me the creeps. I’ll say one thing, though: that antisocialist’s clueless comment inspired me to get a copy of The Holocaust and North Africa, of which I have read the first few dozen pages, and it’s satisfying to realize that I, an anti‐Zionist, understand the Shoah better than a Zionist chump does.

I got a new job, so balancing that with the things I'm actually interested in doing has been a process.

Other than that, I've been reading Our History Is the Future by Nick Estes and transcribing it onto ProleWiki. I've really enjoyed it so far, and I'm definitely going to read more of his works in the future.

The election results depressed me so much, especially since my party BIJ1 lost their seat, after campaigning so hard for them. But somehow this made me more eager to further the socialist cause and want to be more involved in organising and activism.

also feeling a bit autopilot-y lately. looking forward to the winter holidays though, planning to spend time with friends

I'm doing pretty well, actually. I'm officially in a party now and been doing a lot of work with them even before I was "accepted"

It's a constant pull between wanting to die in a hole because of the state of things and extreme drive to change it and burn it all down. I've been finding a lot of strength in sobriety and organizing, so that's helping

Things are very depressing in the world right now and the descent into total fascism is looking likely and daunting. But where there is misery there is also ground zero for the revolution

I have never been more hopeful and radicalized/ready to do anything

im sorry to hear people are making threats to your life, and I wish for you and your family's safety. Your posts bring me joy, and its always weird to me how much more hostile other places on the internet can be. Glad we have our niche space to be able to talk more freely.

With that said, I'm enjoying life right now almost everything in my personal life is moving in a positive direction. (Aside from dating, and anxiety from the general state of the world💀💀🤣)

I haven't been active lately and have missed your fitness threads, but I'm working hard and can now bench and squat more then i weigh. Aswell as really focusing on cardio, i wake up early and get half an hour of jump roping in(since it's to dangerous to run with the traffic here) before i get my day started.

Also started drawing again in an attempt to work my way back up to being able to finish this picture which is just some weird self destructive teddy bear, that i spent many 10s of hours on for a person who doesnt even want to talk to me anymore. It'd still be nice to finish though.

mix of good and bad. i've been having some successes recently in the romantic realm, i've got some dates planned which has definitely provided some source of joy in my life. but overall, i haven't been sleeping at all the last few days and recent events have been making me so increasingly hateful and angry at the evil capitalist system that it genuinely brings me down all day. the days are blurring into one and everywhere i go i feel enraged.

My father was recently diagnosed with a form of cancer that will probably kill him. For the past few weeks, pretty much the only things I've thought about have been my father's looming death, my virtual estrangement from him, the genocidal siege of Gaza, and the past hundred years or so of the history of Palestine. Needless to say, I couldn't keep that up. I had to make room for some lightness in my life and in my mind.

The past few days have been a relief.

I've reconciled with my father somewhat. He's still often stressful to be around, especially in his own house, but I feel better equipped to handle and pass over tense moments with him than I've ever been in the past. It's been good visiting him and my mom. I'm only now starting to look forward to going home.

I'm reading fiction again for the first time in a long time. I'd forgotten how easy it is compared to history or political theory; how effortless reading can be when you're not trying to take notes, when you're not stopping after nearly every sentence to make sure that you're paying attention and understand well. What I've been 'reading' is actually an audiobook. My mom and I have been cozying ourselves up next to a shared Bluetooth speaker, sometimes with a bowl of popcorn or candy like we would for a movie. It's been a delight! The novel itself has already been thrilling and intriguing for both of us, and we must only be like a third of the way through. (This October, my mom expressed interest in educating herself about what led up to current events, and so she agreed to read three books on the history of Palestine with me. We're still committed to that, but good God is this novel so much easier!)

I've been playing a relaxing, delightful, and sometimes very difficult videogame for at least a couple hours each day. A lot of my attention has gone to music, to the cool weather (which I love), and to the young puppy who moved in here recently (although my own dog, who is visiting along with me, kinda hates him).

It's good to have a break from all my ruminations, from current events, and from my job. I wish I could have another week off somehow, but this'll do.

I'm probably doing about as well as I ever have been. Still can't get a job or whatever

Poverty is exhausting, and every day that passes takes a higher toll on me. There is a chance in the distance for me to leave this hole and I cannot wait for it to finally arrive. But in the meanwhile, this is my life.

Up and down. What's going on in Palestine recently, motivated me to go out to protests and actually do some praxis, as I've talked about a bit here. Also, I'm planning on joining a Marxist student organization, which I discovered through my involvement in Palestine protests, soon so that's nice. But I'm also starting to notice that I've been starting to lose a lot of the momentum I had a month ago, which makes me afraid that I'll just retreat back to where I was before which is just reading theory and learning about Marxism, but not engaging in praxis. While I'm at it I just want to say that it has been so cool discovering this community. Y'all have been a big part of furthering my understanding of Marxism and you definitely played a role in motivating me to act on my political convictions. I really hope I can use this newly found enthusiasm and keep going. Thank you all for being part of my political journey and providing a great environment in which I can learn, and forget about this horrible world we live in for a while. Love y'all!

Got fallout 4 on sale a couple days ago, just finished troubleshooting all the mods I have installed