I hate how every time I get the tiniest will to get into something, I eventually just lose it because of so many reasons. I mean depression for one right, you just stop having the mental energy to commit to doing things and over time as the weeks and months and years come on your forget it all.

I used to be able to play instruments, I spent 2 years teaching myself Japanese, I spent a year teaching myself Spanish, I used to write, I used to try to learn programming and game dev, I used to read theory and try to teach others on the basics hands on. I don't do any of these any more, I don't remember the basics of how to do any of them any more, and I sure as fuck don't have the mental capacity to get into a routine of doing them again.

I know I can do things when I try, I learned these skills in the first place. but I always just let things go, stagnate, and wither in a pool of depression as years roll on. and I know I could do them again, I know I have the dedication and capacity within me when I have that energy. it pisses me off and I feel trapped in my own depressive malaise.