My father, who convinced me (16 m) at the time to move in with him instead of my mother when they moved. All 3 of the other siblings stayed with my mother. He then kicked me out the week I turned 18, a week into my senior year. Since then he stays in touch only to speak with his grandchildren (now going on 4 kids). I have never been anything but opportunistic and positive in our interactions. Regardless he still acts like I am a burden to talk too. Am now 37, and finally getting to the point I should accept it. I'm the complete opposite with my own children and can't comprehend how someone could treat their child like this. How do I cope? It eats at me. I will answer any questions in depth if it will help in understanding the situation.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I haven’t had any experience like this besides having an alcoholic sister.
But I’d just suggest that you need to try to come to terms with the fact that your pop seems like an asshole. This is all speculation. I bet he convinced you to stay with him as a way to hurt your mom. You as a person were not important to him, but he wanted to use you. So when you turned 18, he didn’t want to deal with you anymore because it cost him more than he got out of it.
You can’t do anything to change him, you can just work on you. For me with my sister, I just sort of accepted that she is who she is and I’ll never have the relationship I wanted with her. I don’t go out my way to avoid her, but I certainly don’t really ever try to interact with her. It has worked, but the relationship between siblings is less important I think than a parent child relationship.
Maybe therapy could help? Or read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see if that fits your dad.
I called my father a removed last weekend cause he talks to me like disrespectful nutjob. I'm 34 and work for him. Never work with assholes. Especially family.
I'm too scared to have children cause they'll end up like either him or myself.
Sorry have to go through that.
You won't get justice or change anything about how the guy acts so you have to make changes yourself that you can control. Let yourself be free of needing his approval and attention. You deserve respect at least as much as you'd expect from any other person, being family doesn't absolve them of it. If he won't be respectful, then stop calling him, let his calls go to voice mail, stop seeing him and fill your time with people who are respectful. You can't change him but you don't have to put up with it either.
As a father of 2 kids you need to know that you owe him nothing. Just because he is your parent doesn’t mean anything.
Instead of thinking of him as your father think of him as a friend. And would you keep a friend like that in your life. If possible go 100% non contact and don’t ever worry about him again.
I don't know what's the right thing to do. But in your shoes I'd probably cut off contact with him.
Therapy will help a bit but it'll keep eating at you. Perhaps distracting yourself when it comes to the past might help, it does for me a bit.
Am now 37, and finally getting to the point I should accept it.
That's the neat thing, you don't.
You deserve to speak your mind. The idea you must endure abuse from even those who created you is false. Don't ask "how do I cope", ask "how do I assert". There is a difference between rightful treatment from those you owe yourself to versus treatment from those people which run counterintuitive to being able to claim parenthood as justification.
What's going to happen if your children one day ask why he treats you this way? Is this good for them?
You are under no obligation to allow toxic people into your life. Sharing bits of DNA does not require you to submit to abuse. Cut him out and move on, your mental health and the well-being of your family is worth it. Life goes on.
I relate to this. My father isn't as openly hostile as yours sounds, but he's a narcissist. One year, he decided he was to busy to visit my kids, his grandkids. He's retired.
For me, there is an emotional tug that will always be there, not for him, but for a father that loves me. Rationally, I remind myself of why I haven't talked to him in 5 years. It's gotten easier over time, but it still flares up occasionally.
I will agree with most that professional support is needed. For me... I had to realize that I could not change people interact with but I could change how I reacted... Not ideal. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Phase 1: Can't change people. Phase 2: Can control how I react (to diminish the harm I feel). Phase 3: I feel less harmed, but my reaction shouldn't further enable their shitty behavior. Phase 4: See ya! And I'm skipping phases 2 and 3 from now on.
