They seem to be of the opinion that since I don’t have little clones of myself running around that my free time is inherently less valuable.
No Sam, I’m not working two doubles so you can make it to little Timmys fucking music recitals. Bringing that little shit into the world was your fucking choice you dumbass!
Sorry, needed to vent.
A fake kid works, but if you have a pet that you could tell your coworkers is your child and never shut up about every single story of your pet doing something, and pretending as though they're through the lens of a baby or toddler that would really work. People with children never shut up about every inane story they have relating to the things.