Here recently it seems like everything just gets under my skin so quickly and easily. It's not that I get mad and take it out on others, it's just the fact that I'm constantly annoyed and stressed. Something as simple as the dogs tracking some mud through the house will just ruin my mood. I know some people who would just laugh it off and clean it up. Meanwhile I'll get pissed that I didn't wipe their feet and be mad the entire time I'm cleaning it up. This has nothing to do with the dogs, it just an example. Any number of seemingly insignificant things can trigger me like that. Like forgetting something at the store and having to go back. I would love to be able to go, "well that sucks" and just get over it.
Happened to me too. Best thing is going to therapy.
This might be caused by bigger problems with your family or work. Or it might just be accumulated stress unrelated to anything in particular.
Therapy helps either way
I've been in therapy for years and it is very much accumulated stress. At this point I don't know what other stress I can cut out, so I figured of maybe I could lessen the impact across the board it might help. Like if I could compress my stress so it takes up less resources.
I've also been through therapy for years, although not currently. IDK whether it's true or not but for me personally I feel as though therapy can deteriorate from a short, sharp, beneficial "intervention" (which is very helpful) into a malaise of relating ones problems to a friendly ear (which is unproductive) ... but I digress.
This sounds to me like one of those problems which is a symptom potentially caused by a myriad of different issues, and as such has no specific "cure". As you've said it's "accumulated stress", which is another way of saying the same thing. I feel like I run into this type of problem a lot: the solution is really easy, I just need to do better at life!
My one suggestion would be to look at therapies for anxiety, since anger and anxiety are commonly symptoms of the same problem. There's two common therapies for this.
Firstly Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - figuring out why your thoughts follow the patterns they do and as a result, learning how to change those patterns. This is hard work. It's a bit like going to a gym. You need to set aside time for several sessions a week of examining the parts of yourself you've been trying not to think about your entire life. The gold standard for DIY CBT is "When Panic Attacks" by David Burns, alternatively "feeling great" by the same author. He has a podcast also. I know the dirty dog feet was just an off hand example, but to continue that example you might discover that you have a deeply held belief that people who have dirty houses end up sad lonely and unloved, a potential solution might be to tell someone who you feel is happy and well loved how difficult it is to keep a clean house - inevitably they will agree with you and tell you how hard they find keeping up with their chores.
Secondly Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) - accepting that stressors will always be present, understand that they're harmless, fleeting thoughts, and committing to a course of action that is more meaningful than simply "avoiding stress". Author Steven Hayes is the gold standard here but personally I find his stuff too heavy. I quite like "DARE" by Barry McDonagh, basically ACT but more easily digested. This one is more readily applied "in the moment". It takes practice but there's no sitting and pondering one's soul so-to-speak. This is very difficult to explain in a sentence but you might acknowledge, in the moment, that dirty dog feet are infuriating, you feel that feeling, allow it to come. What you'll find (with anxiety at least) is that if you don't resist it but regard it with a welcoming curiosity, it will dissipate fairly quickly and leave you with a kind of energised readiness. "Well that was a thing!". If feeling frustrated is a natural response, and you fight with yourself not to feel that, it creates an incredible tension - you push the feelings away and they just push back harder. You kind of learn to let the frustration come feel the feelings in a healthy way.
ACT sounds very interesting. There are stressors I'll never get rid of. But that sounds like it could help having them control my life. Thanks!
12 Practical Steps for Learning to Go With the Flow
- Realize that you can’t control everything
- Become aware.
- Breathe.
- Get perspective.
- Practice.
- Baby steps.
- Laugh.
- Keep a journal.
- Meditate.
- Realize that you can’t control others.
- Accept change and imperfection.
- Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty.
I pretend I’m in a zoo observing people, which I guess is called disassociation.
That sounds fun. Look at those apes hitting each other with stones. And nuclear bombs. How playful!
I never thought about dissociating this way :O I'll give it a try next time I feel the meltdown coming
in my experience, the sooner you accept that life is terrible and full of pain and misery, the sooner you cease to be surprised by it being terrible and full of pain and misery.
tl;dr "this might as well happen, I guess"
You know, it's sad but I think lowering my expectations out of life really does help get through a bit. You end up a bit cynical by default, but when good things do happen they stand out more. Sure my life kinda sucks but taking it out on others does nobody any favors. Patience and kindness might come back around - but again, don't expect it.
I trained myself over years after realizing stress was killing me, I was unpredictable to be around, and struggled to eat with any regularity which led to really bad eating habits.
What ended up working is when something would happen that upset me I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, go to a room by myself and just sit down with my eyes closed and do box breathing until my nerves settled. Then when I opened my eyes I would say to myself, ok let’s go get this mud cleaned up.
Admittedly it doesn’t work in a car, crowded location, or even work necessarily. Over years my impulse control and roll with the punches attitude really developed. Maybe too much, when my ex wife said she wanted a divorce it was kind of just an “ok, do you want me to move out or did you plan to? I’ll see what paperwork we need to fill out “.
I enjoy life so much more though. My dog peed in the laundry room shortly after coming inside and I remember a time when I would have been incredulous about it. My response was to chuckle and say “oh buddy you know not to pee inside”, grap a swiffer and throw the pad in the load of wash I was starting.
Maybe I just got older, life experience and all that. I do think the separation from what happened and box breathing exercise really helped me in being able to put things into context and just let life be life though.
I look at those things that annoy me, and think
would you rather be in Palestine right nowand it becomes less of an issue. This general strategy has worked for me since the Vietnam War era.grumble grumble Damn America always making this view applicable
This wouldn't work for me at all because thinking about Israeli/American treatment of Palestine infuriates me. Then thinking about Palestine makes me think of Yemen, which makes me think of the Iraq War, and then I'm just in a spiral of hatred and gritting my teeth. I'd be walking around with balled up fists and my neighbor pleasantly says hello, I'd whip around with "Fuck your hello, krakkker colonizer first worlder"
and being in that mindset permanently would be a good way to get myself shot.
yeah, your mileage will vary. Daily acts of defiance and sabotage of the machine can help keep the rage from hitting a flash point.
Being mad sucks. If something bad happens it sucks. If I'm mad about the bad thing that happened then I already got two things that suck. I like to minimize the suck.
For me: get enough sleep and/or do exercise. Getting 9 hours is my ideal but I settle for 7 more often than I should. As for exercise: running, hitting the heavy bag, jump rope, rowing, weight lifting, swimming, walking, VR boxing (got too sweaty for it to be a long term thing), rock climbing; all these things have been good over the years or whatever you want. Cortisol builds up in your system and exercise breaks it down. You can't be stressed if you're exhausted. I think of the two as shielding and loading. Sleep increases my shielding from stressors and exercise decreases my baseline stress load. The two together are the actual answer, in my opinion.
The way you've phrased this sounds like this isn't just your default state throughout your life. Is there maybe a much larger stressor that's sapping your emotional energy and making your trigger shorter? If that's the case, resolving your feelings around that stressor would probably be most effective.
You could also just be exhausted or burnt out, at which point the only way you can actually make things better is by getting a proper break. Obviously some people's life circumstances don't really allow for that, so any small changes of getting help where you can is recommended.
"Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff".
It's about adjusting your perspective. Some things can be looked at as new challenges and opportunities for creativity. Some things can feel very important and weigh on you but given a day or two can be irrelevant. Other things like death, finances, or relationships are difficult to get past, but you will eventually. Taking a breath to step outside the situation or looking at it from someone else's perspective can really help.
I absolutely have these little moments every day. I get mad, say some 'what the fucks' out loud, call myself an asshole, etc, then move on seconds later. Giving your emotions a reasonable amount of time to smack you up is a good thing. Allowing them to take over isn't helping anyone.
Edit: Come to think of it, I was just around my mother for the holidays. She is agent of chaos. She has a short temper, she yells, she's erratic, she very much exerts her irrational stress upon others. Without getting into my entire childhood, I'll share that it took me many years to figure out why I was so short tempered and angry at everything. The quote I started this post with was what sparked the change for me.
Meds, weed, accepting that everything you worry about probably won't matter in a few years anyway so why bother getting mad about it.
