Yesterday an anniversary of a truly gruesome accident that has transformed my life. Part of the accident was a traumatic brain injury. These things, if you don't know about them, they're terrible - my entire process for absorbing information is different now. My memory is processed differently. My relationship to my emotions is different - I can't even feel things the way I used to.

That first time, I was in the hospital for eight days, and my bill for the first day was over $250,000 (god bless the USA). Some lawyers were brought in while I was still unconscious to try and get some money from the people responsible for this. The case is.... still ongoing. No end in sight. I've been left with essentially no assistance. If you can walk and dress yourself following these incidents you're expected to just.... move on. I'm trapped on that day a year ago. I can't move on.

I dedicated my life up until that accident to the sciences. I was a good teacher and researcher. My relationship to science has been shattered. I can't work the way I used to, and I don't even want to. Nothing brings me joy anymore, and the people around me who clearly want to help are a constant hindrance. My loved ones can't help but make things worse, re-aggravate these horrible injuries, then tell me I'm "impossible" and they "can't do anything right". I'm completely hobbled by these support systems. I wish I was alone.

What am i going to do, there's nowhere for me to go and no hope for me. That accident should have just killed me, I was never meant to make it this far and if anyone tells me again this is a "blessing" I'm going to do something... unreasonable.

Edit: You're a really kind group of people with some really insightful comments. This got me through some dark moments, thanks very much to each of you.