Here at Rum and Monkey, we're proud to say we hate the President. That's because we believe in democracy, and true democracy is about being able to voice your opinion in the way you like, and being able to pick between strong leaders to run your country. Unfortunately, while we hate George W Bush with a passion normally reserved for ambrosia salad and Drew Carey, there is a very real danger that he will be re-elected. The reason? The John Kerry campaign sucks like your grandmother.

Part of the reason for its undying suckage is Kerry's apparent inability to send out a strong message. The message he should be sending is: "George W Bush is a mass-murderer, a liar, potentially a war criminal and sits over an incompetent administration that cannot run the country without needlessly killing soldiers, losing jobs and forming a giant budget deficit." The message he's actually sending is: "I'm sort of great, me."

This is not a genius campaign plan.

Therefore, we at Rum and Monkey have decided to help him out and write a couple of advertisements. John, if you're reading, you can have these for free. We're sure they will propel you through the stratosphere and straight into the oval office; trust us.

Generic advertisements that everyone will love

I'm John F Kerry and I approve this message. George W Bush claims to be a War President who is strong on terror. I agree. Vote for peace and a stable world in which to raise our children. Vote for Kerry.

I'm John F Kerry and I approve this message. When George W Bush was governor of Texas, he executed more prisoners than any other governor in history. Now he's President, he's killing more soldiers than any President since Lyndon Johnson. Where will the killing stop? Think of the children. Vote for Kerry.

Specialist advertisements for hitherto-untapped members of the voting population

I'm John F Kerry and I enjoy Star Trek. Arguably the original series is more of an attempt at mainstream entertainment, while The Next Generation uses its studio carte blanche to explore philosophical, theological and scientific topics within a science fiction framework. Deep Space 9 is mostly lame despite being an interesting social commentary about politics, while Voyager is merely an attempt to cash in on the preceding. Captain Picard is my hero. Live long and prosper. Set phasers on stun! Vote for Kerry.

I'm John F Kerry and I approve this message. In my youth, I was an MC at my local youth group. We would hang out and drink Cristal; sometimes, during the slow summer months, we would bitch and hoe. Often we would freestyle until dawn. John Kerry is the voice of east-side and west-side. Vote for him, yo.

I'm John F Kerry and I approve this message. In public, I say that I don't approve of gay marriage, but that's just to pander to those darned conservatives. I'm down with the pink vote. I dig Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell. I've been to San Francisco and Provincetown. A vote for Kerry is a vote for gayness. Vote with your heart.

Advertisements for Republicans, diagnosed psychopaths and evangelical Christians

I'm John F Kerry and I approve this message. Many ministers believe George W Bush to be Satan. [Insert clips of ministers saying just that.] Maybe you don't want to vote for me because you think I'm a liberal. Maybe you don't want to vote for me because you think I'm soft on terror. But at least I'm not the Prince of Darkness. I'm John Kerry and Jesus is on my side.

I'm John F Kerry and I approve this message. I realise that, sometimes, through no fault of your own, lives can go awry. What we knew to be reality has become unreality, and the very fabric of the universe seems to be falling apart. People are in your way and you can't - hell, you don't want to - empathise. Friend, yell all you want; raise your fists at the sky and scream. I'll be with you. A vote for John Kerry is a vote for the mentally ill.

I'm John F Kerry and I approve this message. I'm made of bees. Bees!