1 box of a noodle of your choice (SPAGHETTI BUILDS ARE NON-CANONICAL), 2/3-3/4 a jar of mayonaise, diced ham, cheese (shredded cheddar or cubed monterrey jack), 1/2 red onion, 4-6 stalks of celery, 1 red pepper, an equivalent amount of craisins, a half bag of carrots minced finely, a good long squart of ranch, mustard, Valentina's hot sauce, Dale's Steak Sauce, and maybe a dollop of BBQ, a generous generous several shakes of ground thyme, smoked paprika, celery seed, a Kissinger killing amount of garlic, lemon pepper, a little cream of tartar.

Cut all the non-carrot vegetables, add to all dry ingredients, boil the noodles, add the minced carrots to a pan and cook on high heat with an abusive amount of salt, pepper, and some honey, you want some of it to be burned and some to be barely cooked you don't want it all soggy, add it all together in the biggest pot you have, mix thoroughly, should look like a ground up unicorn, excellent, can be enjoyed cold or hot, it will perhaps taste strange to some people at first but if you let the flavors marry in the fridge for 2-3 days it will "make more sense" and you, you my friend, you will enjoy it, you will wish you had made double portions, instant meal too, only real labor (besides having all these random ingredients on hand--5 Finger Discount recommended) is chopping shit up and cooking the noods and carrots, boom you and your loved ones have lunch for 2-6 days, but I assure you it will not last that long 😎

DO NOT ADD MORE SALT THAT IS WHAT THE DALE'S IS FOR