This isn't life. I cannot speak to people when I need to.

I cannot be polite the way I usually would be. Months ago there was kids who didn't have enough money to pay in a supermarket and I couldn't say I'll pay for them. I knew if I tried to pantomime this shit, I'd make the already awkward stressful situation of theirs worse. There's been so many awkward cases where I couldn't help someone because I couldn't say I would, and if I randomly approached them and grabbed their stuff I'd freak them out. I had old ladies ask for help, but no longer want it if I tried to communicate through body language, because I don't speak the local language.

I am incapable of learning a language. I'm one of those people, yes. I learned useful phrases before moving here, including local slang for welcoms and farewells, but anything remotely off script and I'm lost. Learning a language is extremely hard. Even for children. Bilingual people struggle (I know very well: I am bilingual, but one of my languages sounds machine translated and lacks vocabulary, so I cannot even express myself), children struggle, and learning a language as an adult may be impossible - for me it is. I give up. I don't even want to be here. I never did.

People act like immigrants are there out of choice. Fuck, I'm very much not. The only "alternative" I had was going homeless - when the only other option was to lose one of fundamental necessities, it's not a real choice.

I don't have anywhere to go. I only have my best friend, but she lives in a really tiny apartment, and I had friends lose housing when they'd let newly homeless friend sleep on their couch, because landlords are literally fucking evil. I don't want to inconvinience her, yet alone lead to potentially her losing housing.

I also cannot find a new job. I've desperately been trying to, but no one wants me. All the companies are going through layoffs. No one wants to invest into a worker anymore. The only time they post Junior positions is to offer an unreasonably low pay - they still require shitload of experience, frequently very niche. Many jobs I feel like I'd have a super easy time doing don't allow people without experience in at all.

I need to be able to afford my monthly medical debt repayment and to live alone. No, I am not spoiled. I get suicidal from living with strangers and develop such massive anxiety I am literally incapable of existing. I am very introverted and have health problems. I suffered injuries from living with other people, because I couldn't adjust the housing to my needs (not wants, mind you - needs), e.g. I got skin burns and would be unable to breathe (I have extremely sensitive skin and allergies).

I really need to move. I am waiting for this Friday to know how much acceleration I can do. Thankfully it should be warm in 3+ months (this is my resignation period btw for both work and housing), so I could maybe even get a tent and sleep in the wild if I cannot find housing.