After shifting my understanding of gender to viewing it as a spectrum and not as a binary matter, I've grown more comfortable with my identity. But I'm having a tough time figuring out where I fit. I'm a dude, I guess. Like, I have a beard, my voice is on the deeper side, and I've always identified as one. But I've never liked having to fit a stereotypical male role. Living in a binary society, I've always been made fun of or ridiculed for being, "girly."
And that leads to the first part of my questions. How do I describe the masculine and feminine parts of my personality without being misogynistic? We want to break down gender stereotypes, but how do we talk about masculinity or femininity without being guilty of what we're trying to end?
I'm going to attempt to describe how I feel about my gender identity at the risk of reinforcing these ideas, but I'm coming from a place where I want to understand. So please correct me where appropriate.
I've had at least two dozen people in my life ask if I was or accuse me of being gay. I've had both men and women call me a little b**ch. My family has made fun of me because I don't like getting dirty or doing hard manual labor. This has caused a lot of pain for me over the years.
There's really nothing that masculine about me. I'm a petite and pretty delicate person. I don't have much arm or leg hair, and my hands are the size of a 13-year-old girl's. I have a strong sense of empathy and I'm very aware of my emotions.
I would much rather feel small and cute versus manly or handsome. When cuddling with someone, I like being the little spoon and feeling comforted and safe. I like more feminine body washes and deodorants. I'd like to take a stab at wearing mascara to accentuate my eyelashes, and foundation to have a more even-looking skintone.
Thinking about embracing my femininity makes me feel super cozy inside. I would LOVE to not have to live life as a "guy", where I'm expected to "man up", be tough, and crush down my emotions and sensitivity. After thinking about these things for the past few weeks, I've realized that I was at my most toxic behavior when I was trying to be what I thought a man was. Putting myself first at the expense of others, constantly having to find sexual conquests, trying to be the "man" in a hetero relationship. It just isn't me, and it's not a good way to live.
So, I don't know if I'm non-binary, or if I'm just a feminine man. I really don't think I fit into the male gender box, but I'm positive that I'm not a female. Am I NB, or am I just looking for a way to justify being a soft and gentle man? I could use some advice and I'd love to hear from other AMABs who've realized they were NB.
Nope, there are plenty of non-androgynous NB folk! It’s cool and there’s a lot of support for it in the trans community. A common line is “nonbinary people don’t owe you androgyny”. :trans-heart:
That's cool to know! I made a new friend recently who identifies as NB, and they are about as masculine-presenting as you can get. They've told me that they don't see being misgendered as a huge issue because of that, but they don't like it when someone continues using hard masculine pronouns after being corrected.
For some reason, I just struggle with applying this same standard for myself. I think because this is a recent development for me.
I totally get that. Leaning into queerness is incredibly freeing, but for me required working through my own internalized transphobia and fear. I had to learn to love myself and claim it.
Many of us spend years being told we should be ashamed or that we’re “not enough”. That’s bullshit and there is beauty and power in queerness, in just being yourself however you want to call it.
Also it’s wonderful you have a trans person in your life you can talk to IRL. That helps a lot with sorting through things.