After shifting my understanding of gender to viewing it as a spectrum and not as a binary matter, I've grown more comfortable with my identity. But I'm having a tough time figuring out where I fit. I'm a dude, I guess. Like, I have a beard, my voice is on the deeper side, and I've always identified as one. But I've never liked having to fit a stereotypical male role. Living in a binary society, I've always been made fun of or ridiculed for being, "girly."
And that leads to the first part of my questions. How do I describe the masculine and feminine parts of my personality without being misogynistic? We want to break down gender stereotypes, but how do we talk about masculinity or femininity without being guilty of what we're trying to end?
I'm going to attempt to describe how I feel about my gender identity at the risk of reinforcing these ideas, but I'm coming from a place where I want to understand. So please correct me where appropriate.
I've had at least two dozen people in my life ask if I was or accuse me of being gay. I've had both men and women call me a little b**ch. My family has made fun of me because I don't like getting dirty or doing hard manual labor. This has caused a lot of pain for me over the years.
There's really nothing that masculine about me. I'm a petite and pretty delicate person. I don't have much arm or leg hair, and my hands are the size of a 13-year-old girl's. I have a strong sense of empathy and I'm very aware of my emotions.
I would much rather feel small and cute versus manly or handsome. When cuddling with someone, I like being the little spoon and feeling comforted and safe. I like more feminine body washes and deodorants. I'd like to take a stab at wearing mascara to accentuate my eyelashes, and foundation to have a more even-looking skintone.
Thinking about embracing my femininity makes me feel super cozy inside. I would LOVE to not have to live life as a "guy", where I'm expected to "man up", be tough, and crush down my emotions and sensitivity. After thinking about these things for the past few weeks, I've realized that I was at my most toxic behavior when I was trying to be what I thought a man was. Putting myself first at the expense of others, constantly having to find sexual conquests, trying to be the "man" in a hetero relationship. It just isn't me, and it's not a good way to live.
So, I don't know if I'm non-binary, or if I'm just a feminine man. I really don't think I fit into the male gender box, but I'm positive that I'm not a female. Am I NB, or am I just looking for a way to justify being a soft and gentle man? I could use some advice and I'd love to hear from other AMABs who've realized they were NB.
There's a lot of safe and easy ways to just experiment with that. As a trans woman, i can't offer that much help on the NB stuff, but i hope i can give a few useful tipps for experimenting with femininity later in this post. although i also see it as a huge part of my transition to understand in which regards i'm not a traditional girly girl and how to integrate that into my new life. everybody's understanding of their gender role is different, there's so many different ways of being a man, being a woman, being NB. i've found discovering that to be a beautiful and rewarding and incredibly liberating process. just go about this in an open-ended, curious way and see where it leads you. if it turns out you are indeed "just" a feminine man, it's still good and reassuring to know that, to own "being a little b*tch" and become comfortable with your personal way of being masc. And if you find out there's more sides to you than just the masc stuff, there's an entire new world opening up to you. and it's actually really easy nowadays to get into that. If you decide you want to (or even need to) live your new identity out in the open, that can obviously be more of a struggle in a lot of places, but these are questions you can and should ask yourself after you've figured out the basics about your gender identity.
You can create online accounts where you try out gender roles that are more femme and see how it feels to be adressed with different pronouns than he/him. Dudes growing their hair out have become popular again during the pandemic, and while that ofc takes a lot of time, i also find it incredibly fun to have long, fluffy hair i can shake and play around with. Shaving off body hair is another thing worth trying out - if you do this for the first time, make sure to trim the hair in advance, shaving off hair that's fully grown out is a massive pain in the ass. If you want to get into women's clothes, cosmetics and the like, this is also easier than ever now, thanks to online shopping and stores with self checkout. ofc makeup is complete rocket science if you've been socialized as a man in our society, and understanding measurements for the stuff from the women's section is ... quite something, too, so don't be surprised if that's a bit daunting and overwhelming at first.