Everything I do. Every fucking second of my life. Is trying to feed the massive fucking black hole of RSD in me. Everything is begging for positive feedback. EVerything is people pleasing, but in ways that actually just put people off.
Noone loves me like I love them. Noone. Not one person. Im always the initiater. I send people memes, they dont send me shit. And oh ACTUALLY the WHOLE TIME I was actually ANNOYING THEM by sending them stuff.
It leads me into such awful, desperate, sometimes even fucking abusive behaviors. Manipulative. BEGGING for feedback. From everyone. All the fucking time. Taking advantage of nice patient people until I wear them out. I ping people too much. Sometimes I ping them again if they ignore the first one. I don't take ignoring a message for a no. I always am like "maybe they missed it or maybe they were too busy at the time and forgot" and sometimes that IS the case so it gets confusing.
People leave me constantly. Not always because of this but I've had like, five noteable peopel leave me in the last couple years. I have no irl friends left. Sometimes because of me neglecting those friendships and distance. But also my ONE really close irl friend left me because of a stupid misunderstanding. And I officially confirmed that Ive lost someone else today, this time over EXACTLY what i'm talking about.
I'm fucking exausted y'all. And I dont know what to do. There's no fucking medication for RSD. Coping mechanisms dont work. I cant fucking deal with this anymore. I'm fucking tired.
A lot of the time yes. Not with everyone. But I've definitly had people pull back from me after I get too intense. This friend who decided to break off with me literally said "I wanted to just go back to people who casually share a server but dont talk everyday, but I dont think thats an option with you".
Oof. That sucks.
I have to say that (to me) it seems like a better thing for them to at least say that, and put it out there. Yeah, it's a kind of rejection, and yes, it absolutely sucks, but at least you don't have to waste your time pouring yourself into something you get no response from. You sound like someone who loves very intensely, and there's nothing wrong or weird about that. Obviously, you've got the RSD that you're fighting with, but if you have to constantly adjust how you interact and hide who you are and how you're feeling, won't that shit just drive you insane?
You're worth the time and effort, and people who don't see that, more than likely don't deserve you and your attention. If they're okay letting you go, what else can you do? It's their decision.
...I'm kinda telling this to myself as well. To anyone reading, really. We matter, even if we're different, even when people don't seem to like us for whatever reason. There's others out there who will take the time, talk boundaries, and be okay with how you operate.
Thank you so much for this it means a lot.
Thank you for sharing your struggles and letting us figure it out with you. Reading some of these replies makes my heart ache. I wish I could safely hug everyone and tell them we're gonna be in a better place soon. <3