Hi comrades, I'm sorry to bother you all with this. This is probably a profoundly stupid thing to post, but I don't really know what to do about it otherwise. I know I'm not the most active person here and this is kind of a stupid thing to ask a bunch of strangers online but I don't really feel comfortable talking with any of my friends about this and I guess I want to hear totally impartial opinions. I kind of don't know where to start or what I want to write, so forgive me if this is a bit long, meandering or unorganized. I'm also sorry if my retelling of these situations is a bit biased, I want to try to be as objective as possible but my feelings regarding some of these things are strong and I might not be entirely fair.
I've been dating this girl for three years and most of the time she is extremely sweet. She's been very supportive in my struggles with my mental health, listening when I need to vent and providing active support in any way she knows how. She's very romantic and loving and we are always trying to do little gestures for one another to show our love. I absolutely adore her, do my best to support her as best as I can in turn in all regards, and just want to see her happy. She is the most important person in the world to me and I really believe she feels the same way about me.
That said, she has a bit of a temper, and she will freely admit to it. It mostly tends to show itself when she's stressed about something else; work (about to get her PhD, extremely stressful) and family tend to have her wound up a lot of the time. I guess the thing that has become a problem is that sometimes it feels like when she's in these moods she takes it out on me, and when she does it feels like she can be kind of ruthless, refusing to stop yelling, insulting, berating, even if I'm desperately apologizing or sobbing. Sometimes it feels like crying makes her angrier, she will tell me I'm trying to make things about me, and admittedly I can understand where she is coming from, if I've done something wrong and upset her it's not fair that she should have to manage my emotions or deal with me crying when she's been the one wronged. That isn't fair to her, but I have trouble not crying sometimes in the heat of these moments. I have to reiterate these moments are few and far between. Sometimes we will go weeks without these kinds of fights and I'll try to do my best to make up for it, but eventually is does happen again. Sometimes she apologizes afterwards for getting angry at something small, sometimes she doesn't.
I don't know if this is appropriate to do but I will try to lay out our last fight as objectively as I can. I honestly can't help this being kind of long for the sake of being as fair as I can, so if you don't want to read the inane wall of text below, that's perfectly fine.
For context, about a year and a half ago she introduced me to some of her friends. Within this group there was a guy she had warned me about who had previously made some creepy remarks to her. Other than him, the group and I got along pretty well and we kept hanging out and playing games together for some time. Eventually the guy started making very uncomfortable remarks to me (mentioning he'd like to cuddle me, singling me out when I'm alone and being overly familiar) and I had to talk with him and tell him he was being too familiar but (very stupidly, in my boundless passivity) told him we could still be friends. He then proceeded to spend the next year trying to DM me and get in contact with me through friends without me saying a word back. Eventually things came to a head, and when one of their friends who is more tolerant of the guys behavior threw a party, my girlfriend and a bunch of her friends decided to not come, citing his behavior towards me explicitly. She had mediated things between involved individuals prior and half of them agreed to not go in solidarity with her.
This leads into early this morning, where she was relaying all of this information to me. She told me about her messages between involved parties and their decision to not attend based on the guy's previous behavior towards her and I. After she told me all this, she asked for my thoughts on the matter, and I told her that the whole situation had made me really uncomfortable. She immediately asked me why the situation made me uncomfortable, said I shouldn't be uncomfortable because he has no access to me at this point and the situation isn't even about me at this point. I reiterated that the situation just made me a bit uncomfortable because the entire situation stemmed from my introduction to the group and entanglement in the situation. At this point she got a bit frustrated and kept asking me why I should be upset about this, the problem is resolved, etc., a reiteration of her previous statements. At this point I'm confused and a bit frustrated myself because from my perspective the situation is an undeniably awkward and upsetting one and I didn't think it was wrong for me to just state plainly how I felt. I told her the situation is a shitty one to be in for all involved, and that I was just a bit upset about how everything has turned out. At this point she starts raising her voice and asking me why I'm sulking (I'd gone a bit quiet by this point, unsure of what to say) and tells me I need to grow up. She tells me that she's frustrated that I'm making the situation all about me when she's the one who can't go out with her friends because of all this (she previously told me she couldn't have gone anyways because of a scheduling conflict) and that she's just asking for some empathy for her position in all this as a mediator when she's the victim in all of this. I apologize twice quickly, and then tell her that I'm really sorry this has turned out the way it has, and that I'm sorry things with her friends have become complicated because of my involvement, and said I felt really guilty about the whole thing. In retrospect this was probably a mistake, I shouldn't have brought my own feelings into it again after what she had just said to me. She then continued to say it wasn't my fault, that it was his, and that she was just tired of mediating things for the sake of other people, and she was just looking for some acknowledgement of her situation. I mistakenly thought I'd given it to her.
Then ensues 45 minutes of awkward silence as I think about what's been said and try to work out what I should do, and she pages idly through the internet looking pissed but preoccupied. At some point I look over and catch her giving me an absolutely withering glare. I ask what's wrong, glare intensifies, ask if I've said something, glare intensifies even more, she says I absolutely haven't, and that was the problem. She then starts screaming about how she just told me what she wanted from me and all I'd done is sit there quietly. She tells me to stop acting like a baby, grow up, why do I have to think about myself all the time, why can't I give her what she needs. At this point I admittedly start tearing up because I really didn't understand what she wanted, that I thought I'd made it clear that it was a terrible situation and that I was sorry she had to deal with it, and she loses it. She continues to yell about how every time I fail to support her I end up crying, told me she shouldn't have to sit here and watch me cry when I've fucked up and that it was pathetic to see. It then becomes a meta discussion about how I always do this, she can't ever rely on me, that I always cry and shake when she yells even though I know she can't do anything to me because I'm taller and bigger than she is, and that I need to get my shit together. At around this point I tried stupidly to defend myself and say that I was a victim in this too, that dealing with the aforementioned guy was a scary situation for me and that for a long time I felt like I couldn't go into their friends' server or accept their invites to events because I was scared to be around him. She scoffed this off, pointing out I hadn't been in there or around him in ages, to which I replied "exactly" because the main reason I'd been avoiding it was him. At this point her frustration continues to mount because I've again made things about me. The rest of the argument is a reiteration of what she's already said, pointing out that I've again made things about me, and me trying to apologize for everything through tears and give her the acknowledgement of her efforts and situation that she wanted.
Reading through this again there are bits and pieces I didn't bring up but it's kind of impossible to capture the whole thing in a dumb post. I really tried to paint an accurate picture of the situation and I'm sorry if it's come out skewed, and I'm doubly sorry for burdening you all with this stupid post to begin with. I think this is my way of venting into the void a bit, but perhaps that's better meant for a journal or something. Thank you so much if you actually read all this, I know it's a bit embarrassing to read.
I don't really have time to go into great detail and it wouldn't probably help if I did, but IMO the way she's treating you is very fucked up.
Crying and otherwise having emotions when your partner is screaming mad at you isn't "making it about yourself", it's a fucking completely natural reaction to being mistreated by a trusted person. And saying "well you aren't allowed to have feelings or be scared ever because you're physically larger than me" is just outright fabricating and lying about how abuse works. Abuse goes all different directions, and the way she's treating you is straight up abusive. If she can't handle the stress of getting a PhD without berating her own girlfriend, then one of those two things has to go, because that isn't acceptable behavior. Even if you did something wrong, you don't deserve to be berated, and then put down for not just "taking it" when being berated hurts you and you show it. That is awful. I'm glad things are otherwise good and all, but it seems clear from your description that when she is angry all decency and respect towards you is going out the window, so IMO something has to change.
First of all, I want to sincerely thank you for reading this, I know it must have been a lot. I wouldn't normally write this kind of thing because I don't feel this kind of post can ever paint a totally accurate picture, but some of this stuff has left me feeling crazy and I desperately wanted some outside perspective. In the past, when I've brought this up to friends, they also mirrored a few of your sentiments. I told myself that it probably wasn't abuse because sometimes things felt really great. As you say, I do feel like she doesn't respect me when she is angry, but I always question in those circumstances whether I deserve respect at that moment. I don't know how often these kinds of situations have to happen before it's an issue, but I don't really feel like it's something I can talk with her about. She tends to take it very poorly if I try and mention something she has said has hurt me. Regardless, you've given me something to think about. Thank you again for bothering to comment, I really appreciate it.
Oh shoot, this is something I forgot to put in my comment, but I've stayed in a shitty relationship before on the logic of "well when things are good they're really good" but I think that's a fundamentally really bad reason to stay in one, since it keeps you in a cycle where you're constantly being hurt.
I know you are right, and it's advice I've probably given to others in similar situations. I hold onto some hope that things don't have to be this way, but also constantly reckon with the realization that I don't imagine things getting better. I really love her and don't want to lose her, but maybe that's something I have to accept for my own sake. Thanks again <3
Of course! You aren't a burden, we all need an outside perspective sometimes
I've been in a similar relationship position before and it's really quite miserable. It's possible to be in a relationship where your partner regularly splits*, but it's important to make sure it's properly negotiated and understood by both parties. My roommate was in a relationship with a girl where she would occasionally split but they had an understanding that 1) my roommate could exit the situation at any point if she got too uncomfortable and 2) that her girlfriend didn't truly mean everything she said while she was splitting. I was in a relationship where my partner would regularly split (which sounds similar to how your relationship works) without this framework set up and as such it was very emotionally taxing for me.
Moving on to this specific argument I would say that you pretty clearly have a right to be upset in this situation. I'm also very familiar with the weaponization of therapy speak against me (i.e. the accusation that you are making the situation about yourself). I also put way too much overemphasis on worrying about the other party's feelings in a situation: I think this is a nice trait to have but it leaves you vulnerable to being manipulated.
As a final thing I would warn you against feeling obligated to support your partner. Like it's all well and good to support someone who is in trouble but at a certain point you have to be able to look after yourself. It's hard and it can feel selfish, but I think the way that you see sharing your emotions as being a burden on yourself really indicates that you haven't been valuing your own emotions or taking care of them (again, I have been there before).
*ok about that article: I'm not saying that your partner has to have BPD or anything. I've linked it just as a brief primer on what splitting is in case you or anyone else is unfamiliar with the concept. The first two sections are the ones that are really useful, and I didn't really read past the triggers section so idk if it's any good beyond there.
Thank you so much for the reply. I wasn't aware of the concept of splitting, but this does resonate with her behavior. Sometimes, she talks to me like I'm her hero, like I'm always there for her when she needs me, tells me I'm the perfect partner, and deserve so much better than her. She will tell me I'm selfless, empathic, and too giving. In the next hour, she can be listing off through gritted teeth all the ways I've failed her, that I'm always selfish, immature, too occupied with myself, and devoid of empathy. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her and over the years I find myself becoming so exhausted just speaking to her, even on a good day, when previously she was a place of comfort for me. It kills me that I even feel the way I do when I still absolutely love her to death. I'm really sorry you've dealt with something similar before, I know how exhausting it can be, and I really hope you're in a better position now. I guess it's just kind of hard to give myself permission to not support her when that's one of the main things she criticizes me about when something goes wrong. Either way, this is really useful perspective, and as much as I hate to hear you've dealt with it as well it makes me feel a little less alone. Thank you so much for your reply
That fight is the stupidest God damn thing I've ever heard of from her end. She should be united with you on this, seeing as YOU are the victim of the asshole guy in this situation. What she did was the least she could do. But instead of giving you support, she has this nebulous, impossible demand of "stop being a baby" or "stop sulking" that is meaningless and impossible to fulfill.
Because of how abusive she's being in this situation, I am questioning your positive assessment of her during the "good" times. I suspect there may be more abuse going on that you can't recognize.
No matter how "sweet" and "supportive" she is 90 or 95% of the time, it's not worth getting cry-bullied in your own home simply for having a valid emotional reaction to a very stressful and triggering situation. I say get the hell out of there.
If you want to try to salvage it, you will need couples therapy or something because she is desperately in need of a reality check from an outside party. She is putting you down, and you need to know that her temper tantrums are not your fault.
And one last piece of advice. You don't have to sit there and take it when she is emotionally abusing you. It took me a long time to learn this, but when an abuser is taking irrelevant shit out on you, the best response is to walk out the door ASAP and stay gone for a couple hours. They can get their shit together while you let them cool off. Your line is "I can't be around you when you're like this" and if they're a decent person, they will realize how shitty they're being.
Also, most abusers are chicken shit and want to keep up appearances, so they won't abuse you outside, especially if someone else is there to witness it.
I don't know if the last two blocks of text were an edit or I somehow missed them, but you're right. I've done it before, my main fear is the possibility of her turning it around on me or prolonging the fight, but walking away is something I absolutely should exercise my right to do more. As for the last bit, Ive noticed she is a lot nicer to me in front of our friends, but she tends to justify it by saying its natural that she doesnt want to fight in front of our friends. Sometimes, I wish we would so we could get it out in a space where she can't go full throttle on me
Yes it was an edit, I was initially more emphatic in my suggestion that leaving is (in my not fully informed opinion) the right course. And I added the "you can just walk away" part.
For breakups related to abuse, you have to do what is best for you and damn what is best for the other person because they, intentionally or not, are an abuser. This will just get worse over time without an intervention of some kind, and even that won't guarantee a happy ending.
I get pissed off about how my dad was a people pleasing brown noser in public and sometimes a fucking terror to me when we were alone. Let yourself get mad on your own behalf, then leave or set boundaries.
Individual therapy can help you work through any guilt and shame you have (which by the way, you don't deserve to feel guilt or shame but it always comes with being abused).
Edit: Last tidbit, if you decide to leave her, get some accountability and support from an irl friend or family member that you know will be firmly in your camp (not one of her friends).
I really do think she is capable of being incredibly patient and sweet. I don't say this to try to diminish her behavior at this point, I guess, but more to highlight how far she really swings. Regardless, I know deep down you're right that the 95% doesn't excuse the 5%. I guess at this stage, I have to work on dealing with the fact that I love her and don't want to hurt her by leaving. I know I probably should, but that feels very difficult to do at the moment. I feel like couples therapy would probably go pretty poorly... I tend to be a bit quiet and reserved, and she is a force of charisma and very talkative. I can imagine therapy turning into a nightmare of its own, but it's something to think about. Thank you for giving your thoughts, I really appreciate it <3
You're right couples therapy sounds like a bad idea, look into individual therapy then and I can't emphasize enough how helpful it is to have somebody that is NOT fully impartial and is on your side, be that a therapist or friend who knows all the details (NOT a shared friend!!).
Yelling is abusive behavior
I will repeat
Yelling is abusive behavior
When I was dating my partners got ONE free warning. If it happened again after that I’m out.
