Last week, another teacher teacher and I discovered inmates were somehow sneaking into my classroom and printing hundreds of papers, all completely red. The entire sheet, just drenched in magenta ink. Minimum a thousand pages, done by the dozen at a time, over weeks. After an investigation, they found out who was doing it and axed their ability to do so. They didn't talk, and the paper wasn't found.

Today the inmates had a big program in honor of black history month. It was supposed to happen weeks ago, but "prison shit" happened and it got put on hold. I was formally invited by one of the coaches, so I had to make an appearance. I showed up late, stood in the back and watched. It was mostly bad singing, bad rapping, bad spoken word. But it was beautiful. The inmates were having the time of their lives. Dancing, singing along. Cheers and applause all around. It felt like a real community.

I was thinking about how much fun they were having together, on a random march afternoon. Not even the same month as what they were celebrating anymore. And I started to think about Christmas there. Thanksgiving. All the others. Being stuck inside, away from everyone they know and love. If that would be any different than today. I got to thinking about my holidays. My weekends. My day to day, being away from the people I love.

A few songs in, there was a costume change. The dancers came out in their DoC clothing, but it was all a faded pink instead of the usual tan. One of my fellow teachers leaned into my ear. "That's where all your ink went." Yeah. I was just thinking the same thing.

I feel stupid. All the time. I feel stupid having to ask to see my baby. I feel stupid when I'm teaching, and grading, and in every horrible fuckin meeting. I feel stupid being alone. I feel stupid not taking ink when I need to.

been a while since i did a livejournal post but we're in our feelings tonight so here we go