AI when it's your ally and they have the largest army in the world: uwu i'm just a smol bean don't hurt me

AI when it's some dipshit minor whose independence you're supporting: LET'S COMMIT FUCKING SUICIDE HELL YEAH LEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOY JJJJJJJJJJJENKINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I swear to god EU4 AI has one mission, one goal, and it is to piss off the player. There is literally nothing I can do to make this winnable, at all. I could hire every mercenary on the continent and they would all just be mulch