Having a fucked up dick can be a serious problem, but sometimes it’s hard to know what to look for. Here are 13 signs it’s definitely all fucked up.

1. Your piss comes out as bubbles.

Streams, drips, and drizzles are fine, but if your piss floats out in bubble form, your dick might be all fucked up.

2. It’s twirling around like a goddamned pinwheel.

As fun and thrilling as this is to see, it’s not something that dicks are supposed to do. The only time a dick should move on its own is when it’s becoming erect, and if it’s spinning and squirting every which way, that’s a clear sign that something is seriously fucked with it.

3. It’s imprisoned within a Lament Configuration

This is perfectly normal for belly buttons, but when it comes to dicks, it may be cause for concern. Consult with your doctor or local cenobite if this is something you’re experiencing.

:cenobite:

4. It’s really bright gray.

Gray isn’t normally a color that’s blindingly bright. If this happens to your dick, you should probably call your urologist right away.

5. You’re able to wad it up into a ball like putty.

You might think that this is cool and badass, but any medical professional will tell you it’s actually pretty fucked up.

6. It’s a salamander.

Every dick is different. Some are long, some are angled, some have unusual discoloration, and that’s perfectly okay, as these are just harmless, superficial irregularities, no different than, say, having a crooked nose or big ears.

However, if your dick is a salamander, you might not want to be so quick to dismiss it as a benign cosmetic quirk, because in some cases this can actually be indicative of a more serious problem—namely that your dick could be all fucked up.

7. Your cock hole is hissing.

Remember: Hissing is for cats and cockroaches, not cock holes.

8. A picture of it ends up on the front page of :reddit-logo: with the caption “Glad this isn’t me.”

If this happens, you know you’ve got a fucked up dick, and you should get to the emergency room STAT. The exception to this is if the OP is a nazi or a gam*r, in which case your dick is not all fucked up and is actually perfect.

9. It’s got icicles.

Beautiful? Yes. An incredibly bad sign? Also yes. Unless you are Snowmiser (he’s Mr. Snow), there is no reason your dick should be Ten Below.

10. It’s 100 percent urethra.

Your urethra should make up 15 percent of your dick, tops. Any more than that and you’ve got a FUCKED UP dick.

11. Your foreskin bites your hand every time you try to masturbate.

This is obviously extremely annoying, but more than that, it’s also a cause for concern. Hostile volcel foreskins are a leading cause of adult circumcision.

:meat:

12. It’s just a third testicle.

The more the merrier? Not when it comes to balls! Your dick should not be a nut, and if it is, chances are it’s fucked up.

13. You can’t swap out the head attachments

Um, yeah, you’re gonna want to get that checked out. You shouldn’t be stuck with either Philips, star bit, or flat head. Frearson or JIS is more workable, but your dick is probably still all fucked up.