Lil vent post as a treat.
I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago now (in my 30s). When I first got the diagnosis I binged a bunch of shit to try helping me, my therapy got ADHD focused and I got medicated. And it fucking sucks.
Going through the motions of "I made it this far how bad can it be" and "I was a 'good' kid" from friends and family and not even realizing yourself how shit it's been, and even avoiding places like this because "it's not the deliberating of a neurodiversity, these places aren't for me".
Trying to figure out your medication and getting shit on for taking stims and knowing you're going to have to keep upping the dosage until your doctor refuses. Every once in a while having to have that week of fucking sweaty shit fest when you do up, then not that long later not knowing if you took your pill or not.
I feel like a recently made a breakthrough in therapy, I had a great week, super productive but running out of shit to do and feeling guilty I'm taking it easy. And I feel like I'm only this far cause I take an extra dose before doing tasks (concerta in the morning, ritalin when I need/want) and I feel guilty and that I'm abusing a medication, and fear it won't fucking last. Fearing that I'm just obsessives over the fucking master list and daily list and I'm just going to get sick of it and default back (this isn't the first time). Knowing I need long-term goals and hobbies, but afraid of jumping into anything because I fear getting bored or distracted from them. It feels like the only way to be functioning is to continue to shove a square peg into a round hole, just with more force, until I fucking die.
And just like.... realizing how shit life has been, where I really am starting from, the relationships I've damaged or lost out on, and the fucking rage at myself and those around me for not noticing it sooner, when literally all the signs were there. I know this one is not fair, and it is irrational, I don't blame my mother or anything like that... I just... grieve at what could have been if I was diagnosed as a child. And even that sucks cause I am "ok". Like I can't even be mad.
It fucking sucks.
ADHD is a weird beast. I have it too but got diagnosed as a child. My doctor at the time raised my dose continually, while my parents didn't really explain what my medication was (they only called it my medicine), which led to me feeling like an emotionally devoid robot and I ended up trying to kill myself. After this, I got my dose lowered significantly which helped massively. I say this as someone who has been taking their meds for a long time although more recently i don't take them daily.
Give yourself days off. Ever since college I didn't take my meds every day, I would pick 2 or 3 days out of the week and use them. Absolutely don't use them if you don't need to, like the weekend. Seriously, Stims can mess with your head if taken every day for a prolonged period and can cause depressive feelings on the come down. And yes, i know how hard it is to focus without the meds, but it's better than being ridiculously depressed and anxious all the time. Of course, I'm not you, and I'm not your doctor. This is my experience
Wrt hobbies - yeah I know what you mean. But tbh it's okay if you quit on a hobby, or take a long break, these are things that are meant to be fun. If it lasts a year and then you drop off, that's okay. I've been through the hobby cycle many times, and I've found that you end up coming back around to your old hobbies eventually, don't stop yourself from taking part in new experiences because you are scared you'll quit down the line.
Your experience isn't unique though, I've felt the same thing as you forever. Don't kick yourself for not realizing it sooner, that's life and you have to take it as it comes :meow-hug:
Edit: also yeah I get the same feeling about posting here. Like I'm not neurodiverse enough, it's not that bad, etc. I usually dont post on here except for ADHD stuff. But really it affects every facet of our lives, it's just hard to tell
Also realizing your entire personality and "emotional coldness" is just fucking symptoms and the people have been taking advantage of your lack of emotional memory for your entire life.
You shouldn't blame yourself for not seeing the signs, one thing I'm working on is accepting that it isn't my fault and that everyone has basically been gaslighting me. This is the reason so many people with adhd have depression.
:meow-hug: rant below
I was diagnosed as a child but my parents didn't want to medicate me because drugs sounded scary. They didn't see any reason because I seemed to do ok in school. Now I'm in my 20s, going back and forth between dropping out of college, quitting jobs, and my recent attempts to find medication have been extremely difficult.
I think what I really need is a group of folks whom I can depend on, but I don't know how to get to that point. I'm not a very social person because I constantly fear rejection and embarrassment.
"More Attention Less Deficit" by Ari Tuckman helped me a lot. So did watching How to ADHD on YouTube. Good luck to you.
I've seen his name mentioned before, he also has an adhd sex book... ordered both. And yeah How to ADHD is awesome. Her more raw videos hit hard as fuck.
I feel you. This hits home, and I have a pretty good life compared to so many others, but I still wonder what if I hadn’t lost out on so much
