I'm looking for constructive criticism on my original screenplay. It's a ninety-second trailer for a Christmas-themed horror movie. I tried posting this on the screenwriting subreddit but my post got removed. I'm hoping it's better-received here.
Open with a scene of a man alone chopping wood on a snowy day. He is large-bodied and looks visually menacing, it should be clear that he is the villian. He sings an eerie and discomforting tune: "Da Da Da Da Da Da Da"
The next sixty or whatever seconds build up a horror movie featuring the aforementioned villain and a hero named John, a boy around 17 years old, as well as a couple friends around the same age who support him. A couple times cut back to the opening woodchopping "Da Da Da Da Da Da Da" scene.
Nearing the end of the trailer, scene with John and his couple friends walking through the city on a snowy day. The townsfolk jeer and yell obscenities at them. John narrates: "Before the incident, we were treated just like anyone else. But now, whenever we go out, the people always shout."
(words flash on the screen, large font)
JOHN
Very brief scene of a terrified scream
JACOB
chop "Da Da Da Da Da Da Da"
JINGLEHEIMER
Frantic sprinting through a snow-covered forest
SCHMIDT
Scene of John in an attic, which is illuminated only by the candle he holds in one hand. With the other hand, John lifts up and examines a dusty old photo of the villain. "Oh my God. His name is my name too." Candle blows out.
(smaller font)
PREMIERES CHRISTMAS EVE
Instead of "Before the incident": "before" (or "beforehand")
Instead of "His name is my name too": "That's my name too"
