A couple thoughts:
Structure: Decide if you want to do free verse (no rhyming, no meter) or some form of verse and/or rhyme scheme. Free verse is more popular and flexible, but verse gives structure and a sense of tradition. If you want to try verse, with some tweaks you could have a sonnet. If not, I might omit the rhymes in the beginning and focus on word choice for more impact.
Even if you do choose free verse, rhythm is important and reading your poem aloud a couple times can give you a sense of where it doesn't flow as well. Try comparing:
as the cold and the heat and the flooding
the pestilence, the dry and the starving
With
as the cold, the heat, the flood,
the pestilence, the dry and starvation
The cold and heat and flood is a classic use of iambs to give a since of motion that gets interrupted by and "the" and "ing"; although it's not universal, it is more common to end a line on a stressed syllable if you're aiming for a more classical style. You might also try:
as the cold and heat, the flood and drought
the famine and the feast...
This sets up more deliberate contrasts, although others might say the impact is weakened a bit by employment of the common phrase "feast and famine" (something that tends to get more of a pass in music than poetry, I think). There's also a slight assonance across heat and feast that can serve as a more subtle replacement for rhyming and make the poem feel more modern.
Try to avoid generic terms like "things," in favor of specific and evocative imagery. What's something that could be broken and serve as a metaphorical stand in for our society or system?
I think the thematic transition from a simple image of an autumn leaf to a revolution is a nice one, but it is common and might come across as generic - a lot of poetry written currently is intensely personal and sounds like it's written from a distinct point of view; you may want to consider reshaping it to connect it to a personal experience or historical event; another option is to try for something shorter and puncher that could be used as a slogan. A lot about the meaning and proper form of a poem emerges over the process of revision and rewriting; Dylan Thomas was famous for cranking out tens or hundreds of drafts before he was satisfied. Take it, change a few words, let it marinate for a bit, then change a few more. Or change something back. See how it shapes itself over time.
thank you so much for the feedback! this is incredibly insightful and I'll revise my poem with your criticism in mind later, again i cant thank you enough as you addressed many if the problems i had with it myself that i didn't know how to deal with :fidel-salute-big:
autumn comes as it floats abound
soon the storms of winter come
with the fury of thousands close behind
soon those that starve them will be done
as the cold and the heat and the flooding
the pestilence, the dry and the starving
will matter not to those who have nothing to lose
and those which sell the rope will tie the noose
then in time the world will heal
when things are broken and times are hard
the people will rejoice and their oppressors squeal
A couple thoughts: Structure: Decide if you want to do free verse (no rhyming, no meter) or some form of verse and/or rhyme scheme. Free verse is more popular and flexible, but verse gives structure and a sense of tradition. If you want to try verse, with some tweaks you could have a sonnet. If not, I might omit the rhymes in the beginning and focus on word choice for more impact.
Even if you do choose free verse, rhythm is important and reading your poem aloud a couple times can give you a sense of where it doesn't flow as well. Try comparing:
With
The cold and heat and flood is a classic use of iambs to give a since of motion that gets interrupted by and "the" and "ing"; although it's not universal, it is more common to end a line on a stressed syllable if you're aiming for a more classical style. You might also try:
This sets up more deliberate contrasts, although others might say the impact is weakened a bit by employment of the common phrase "feast and famine" (something that tends to get more of a pass in music than poetry, I think). There's also a slight assonance across heat and feast that can serve as a more subtle replacement for rhyming and make the poem feel more modern.
Try to avoid generic terms like "things," in favor of specific and evocative imagery. What's something that could be broken and serve as a metaphorical stand in for our society or system?
I think the thematic transition from a simple image of an autumn leaf to a revolution is a nice one, but it is common and might come across as generic - a lot of poetry written currently is intensely personal and sounds like it's written from a distinct point of view; you may want to consider reshaping it to connect it to a personal experience or historical event; another option is to try for something shorter and puncher that could be used as a slogan. A lot about the meaning and proper form of a poem emerges over the process of revision and rewriting; Dylan Thomas was famous for cranking out tens or hundreds of drafts before he was satisfied. Take it, change a few words, let it marinate for a bit, then change a few more. Or change something back. See how it shapes itself over time.
Thanks for sharing!
thank you so much for the feedback! this is incredibly insightful and I'll revise my poem with your criticism in mind later, again i cant thank you enough as you addressed many if the problems i had with it myself that i didn't know how to deal with :fidel-salute-big:
You're welcome! I'm glad you found it helpful.
I piss myself and that's okay
I do it almost every day
My sheets are soaked with a wet sheen
Salt crystals have formed on my jeans
I piss at work and piss in creeks
I do it because I'm unique