Sorry if this is invalidating, idk how to phrase my feelings or put together my thoughts in a encompassing way here. I want it to be comforting but as an allo person I’m also being kind-of defensive here and honestly I’m worried about that being a toxic behavior from me

No worries comrade.

Your Catan comparison is spot on tbh. I'd only add that that allonormativity also says "it is more important to play catan with someone you are sexing with than a regular friend"