For some reason the tag post didn't work last time and the thread didn't get stickied. I want to get this going again, and rather than agonizing over the perfect wording of a new chapter post, I want to re-post this one and see if we can't get a spotlight on it this time.
WHERE TO GET THE BOOK: http://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=F6B31A8DAFD6BD39A5986833E66293E6
PRIOR THREADS:
So again, been a minute. I've been dealing with a lot of shit, and kept putting this off because I really didn't want to half-ass it. So I guess I'm using three quarters of my ass here.
In chapter 4, Dr. Price goes over the various flawed ways masked autistics keep themselves going just to function, and how incredibly debilitating the effects of all this are. Namely substance abuse, eating disorders, detachment/disassociation, adherence to rigid belief systems, and fawning/people-pleasing. I've experienced all of these to some degree or another myself, and have been working extremely hard to find my way out of the dark forest. I keep bumping into trees (social problems).
Anyway, Dr Price talks about how booze and weed are seen as gateways to social acceptance since it makes you more relaxed and people expect "goofy" behavior out of the inebriated. Eating disorders allow us to be focused on being thin and pretty, or else just burying our feelings under a mountain of junk food, or binging and purging -- anything to seize some control. Detachment/disassociation allow us to function, technically, even when internally we just have to shut down and carry on with what we're doing. Rigid belief systems? Very good way to easily sort out "good" and "bad" things and people. Fawning? Something every socially successful autistic person has fallen back on at some point as reflexive self-defense, but also a strategy people lean into to be liked (but not respected).
The reasons for these behaviors are pretty plain to see, as is the damage they do to us. This one resonated with me a lot; I'll have to take some time to write out my thoughts in full later on, but I wanted to get this one posted because I've been putting it off long enough. Discussion questions:
- As usual, any passages or quotes that really stick out to you? Anything confusing or enlightening?
- What flawed coping strategies have you used to get through life? What has it cost you?
- Are you still struggling with any of these? Are you starting to realize you're struggling and just didn't notice the specific way yet?
Tag post to follow, my own thoughts later on.
Passages that stood out to me were the ones that talked about emotional response to sensory overload, coping mechanisms that allowed for continued masking (like exercising to stay thin, substance abuse to pass as normal, and strict rule following), and dissociating and suppression of the self to keep others happy. All of those I've struggled with personally, but really the entire chapter felt like reading an old diary.
This book really changed things for me, though. After some self-imposed isolation to deal with everything, and finally recognizing the way I coped and stumbled through most of my life not addressing some severely repressed trauma, really brought to light all the ways my neurodivergence was making itself known. Anger and frustration during the process of acknowledging my cptsd (which arose from undiagnosed autism) and chronic depression, eventually made it impossible to pull off fawning, so I pissed a lot of people off after they realized I was no longer going to even attempt to act normal anymore. I became borderline alcoholic for a bit, smoked so much weed, and when I tried to talk to people about it the resounding response was "well who isn't?" and "everyone's doing it", essentially normalizing substance abuse as a means of keeping up appearances. I burned out quickly after that, dissociated, and the depression was about as traumatic as it could get for several months until desperation led me to seek help in the form of books and online communities. I lost a ton of weight running to manage the stress and tire me out enough to sleep, which I later realized was yet another coping mechanism that needed regulation. Eventually I found answers to my questions, others who had faced the same struggles, and a new sense of self I hadn't had before. I started to actually learn about who I was, and accept things about myself that I'd been desperately hiding from the world, in many ways thanks to Dr. Price. I did end up cutting a lot of people off, definitely upset many others with new boundaries, and finally got sober (going on 4 months!!). I'm still struggling with social stuff, since it takes a lot for me to trust others still, but I'm no longer pretending to be someone I'm not. It's an ongoing process, and even though it's lonely some times I am much more comfortable with myself and my wants and needs now than a couple years ago. I wish it wasn't so much to deal with, and it's hard to not look back with a sense of longing for things to have been different. I still haven't discussed being Autistic with many people, and I worry about possible repercussions or animosity with that.
I would highly recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie if you struggle with emotional dependence and toxic behaviors. It started me on this journey before I found the book club. Thanks for posting again, this book is awesome and worth a read.