CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the wake of the 6-3 Supreme Court decision ending affirmative action, Harvard University announced Thursday that they would admit their first white student. “After nearly four centuries in existence, we are finally able to leave behind our woeful legacy of discrimination and accept our first student…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the wake of the 6-3 Supreme Court decision ending affirmative action, Harvard University announced Thursday that they would admit their first white student. “After nearly four centuries in existence, we are finally able to leave behind our woeful legacy of discrimination and accept our first student of Caucasian descent,” said Harvard president Lawrence Bacow, who hailed the Students for Fair Admissions v. Harvard case for allowing them to offer admission to a student who met their rigorous academic standards, but just happened to be from a Caucasoid background. “For generations, students of every racial identity have pursued their passions in these halls of learning—all racial identities except for white. Thankfully, today, that changes. The 19-year-old student who we admitted, Hamilton Whitaker, has an excellent record and impressive extracurriculars. Indeed, we believe Hamilton and other whites like him might find themselves much more at home here than they expected.” At press time, President Biden had reportedly called in the 101st Airborne Division to safely escort the white student onto Harvard’s campus.

  • LaughingLion [any, any]
    ·
    1 year ago

    Funny but I remember reading that in order for some Universities to maintain diversity ratios they had to raise standards for Asian students because their grades and extra-curriculars were so far above the average student of any other ethnicity or race. I know this is an Onion article but now it seems to me like the biggest audience to cheer for this are white people, who think they are being held back, and asian people, who know they are being held back. One of these groups is going to be crying about it in a few years and the other will be educated Asians.

    • Hive [none/use name]
      ·
      1 year ago

      Not even the worse part where the diversity requirements are being met by rich immigrants from places in Africa so you get this weird situation where the colleges are diverse but there are no African American people in the colleges its just the richest 1٪ of sudan im glad the university system is in decline.