Yeah I know this feeling all to well. I had no friends for a while, then made a few good friends at work. But even still I just feel this disconnect. Do they earnestly enjoy my company or do they tolerate me? Do I actually even like them, or do i just stick around so i dont feel alone anymore? I hate going out to bars and stuff too. I sort of feel like I'm watching a movie of other people's lives, which only heightens my alienation.

Right now I've actually been seeing this girl. And like she's cool and all but...I just feel weird about it. I should be into it. Isn't that what every sad lonely guy wants? A girl that's pretty into him? And yet I just kinda don't want to be bothered. I feel like you - I just don't want to do anything anymore. I don't know what I want or who I want to be around. Maybe nothing and nobody?

I've been very stressed due to medical stuff the past few months, so much so that I've had straight up dissociative/derealization episodes. So yeah, just existing lately has been exhausting and depressing. The lows get lower and so do the (increasingly rare) highs.