Title mostly.
I'm doing fine right now, had an argument with my brother but overall I got my path forward ironed out, but I can't shake the feeling that all of what I do is just some pathological need to stumble forward into what I'm supposed to do but rather than actually being a meaningful calling or direction.
Maybe I'm just depressed.
we fully atomized now son, don't got no social spaces free of the ever present pressures of modern economic system. can't even sit down to play a game or read a book without wondering if you're wasting valuable money-making time.
i have been keenly aware of how passionless and directionless i've been since i was a teenager. used to think I was just depressed but it took me a long time to realize the system is letting me down, and i shouldn't be expected to change my very human wants and needs to conform to the soul crushing market-driven system we're cursed in
I guess that's the kicker. My Marxism combined with my evangelical brain worms so that vapid consumption feels empty. Even "non-vapid" consumption with things like traveling or whatever feels empty.
I feel like I'm the protagonist of "The Fever" and all of my existence is dictated by a desire to go do something but ultimately being driven towards doing what is "safe" or "what im supposed to do". That stress of the contradiction is gnawing at my brain and I don't know what to do about it.