An acid mirage of a person lived rent free in my head for more than a decade of my life.
We came close to dating a year ago, but I am glad that we did not. I have accepted that the idealized "person" that I fell in love with did not, will not, could not exist in the flesh.
The song "The Recipe" by SiR helped me realize that the situation was unhealthy on both of our parts the way I doted and excused every flaw, by showing how from the other side, how I felt wouldn't have even been a consideration in making their choices.
I'm in a position to afford talk therapy for the first time in my life, and this burns in my soul deeper than any of the shitty things I did while meth'd out, deeper than (who am I kidding, deeply entwined with) the lingering insecurities of a lifetime of parental abuse.
What I seek is reassurance from other jilted limerents on how you eventually got over it.
I wouldn't say my situation is as intense as yours, but I'm currently not able to stop thinking about this coworker of mine at my last job who supported me through some of my roughest moments at work.
A rehire started to work there, and on her first day, she bullied me and was very aggressive to me for seemingly no reason. This is a person I never met before. Since I'm black, I'm genuinely convinced it could've been a racist "micro"aggression. I was also the only black person who worked there at the time, and by coincidence, I saw that this rehire never treated anyone else like that while she was working there. A friend of mine who still works there told me she got fired recently for frequently missing work without calling in and apparently getting into an altercation with a supervisor, lmfao gottem.
But anyway, on that first day this rehire started, I cried really hard, and the supervisor let me go home early. She felt a lot of sympathy and she knew that I worked hella overtime, so she thought it was a well-deserved early break. Also, my manager ended up talking to the rehire about her shittiness.
Basically, when I got home that day, a coworker who I never talked to in any non-work context in my life texted me just to see how I was doing. She noticed I was crying and feeling awful, and she felt it was only right. This is the person I cannot stop thinking about for the life of me.
She ended up being a major support for me during my last bit of time working there, not even just in work-related scenarios, but she was really validating and affirming as I was going through a lot of strife with my family because I had to cut them out over me being trans. She also was there to listen, support, and give very positive words. She was just so damn kind and warm in her words that it moved me like no other person on this planet has ever done before. I've been bullied my whole life since I was a little kid by all sorts of people: family, classmates, and even absolute strangers who just treated me that way for no good reason, so the fact that she was so positive to me just made me feel on a level I've never really felt. She had a lot of positive texts for me, but this one in particular is one I always come back to on those depressed nights:
"You're a great person" are basically words I have never heard in my life before this moment, at least not in a way this impactful and genuine, and this was rather recent.
Bottom line is that I can't stop thinking about her to this day, and I haven't worked with her for roughly 5 months by now. We don't talk regularly anymore, but I recently sent her a text to let her know I'm doing much better nowadays in terms of mental health, gender affirmation, and the quality of my job. A friend of mine (the same one who told me that the shitty rehire bully got fired) told me that she, this amazingly supportive former coworker of mine, got promoted, so I gave her a big congratulations on top of letting her know I'm doing well.
She found my text really sweet, and she was so glad to know that I'm doing very well.
I got that text from her 3 days ago. I am thinking about her constantly. I am having tons of fantasies about her. The "funny feelings" are happening in the usual places—the chest, the face, and the mind. I really admire her both inside and out, but I do not wish to pursue a relationship with her. I don't even want to try, and that's what makes the "obsession" I'm having right now hurt more and more. I want to get her out of my head, and I hope that can happen soon enough.