[CW: Doomer Rant, Transphobia, Poor Mental Health]
I'm at a strange point where, despite the good that's been happening in my life, I'm so overwhelmed by the bad that I'm still incredibly miserable and hopeless.
A part of me wants to believe that I'm just having a rocky moment right now. A part of me also feels like things will never truly get better.
I hate uncertainty, and I genuinely don't know which one is true. With all I've been through in life, it's hard for me to remove the burden of what has occurred in my past.
I have no one in my life to uplift me besides my partner 💚 and as much as I love her, I wish I could have a mom, a dad, grandparents, uncles, and aunts like everyone else, but I lost that opportunity entirely. It wasn't even my fault because I didn't choose to be trans, and I sure as hell didn't choose to be born into a Catholic family.
I'm scared to go outside, but I'm also depressed staying inside. I feel like I'm stressing over whether or not I can keep where I live right now.
I have to make $750 of rent by September 1, and though I start my job next week and people have been supportive, I don't genuinely feel like I will be financially at a good point in enough time. If the worst does happen, I'm not going to have a mother, a father, grandparents, or any uncles or aunts to turn to. I'll be yet another homeless black trans person in a conservative state.
I feel like I could be catastrophizing, but I genuinely think there's a possibility that my life is over. I'm highly depressed right now, and after everything, including 6 months of attempting to find job stability and finally succeeding and feeling the love of someone who I deeply admire, I, for some reason, don't feel like life is worth carrying on.
Update for anyone concerned:
I found a bit more ease because I reached out to some Florida-specific trans organizations that I've used in the past, and they can assist me with mutual aid, alongside a non-binary friend of mine who said they would spread the word further. I appreciate all Hexbears who stick b my side and provide whatever assistance they can, be it financial or emotional. I also talked with my beautiful lady 💚 and have calmed down a bit since then, though stress in such a situation is really hard to alleviate 100%.
It seems a lot of people I know are going through it right now. I have no way of knowing what you go through, as my situation is vastly different. I'm in no position to help and don't know where you are exactly (nor do I need to) but I'm in central Florida. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk.