I can't even imagine. Please reach out to a mental health professional. Tell people who you should be able to trust on paper, even if you actually can't right now.

It was hard for me to open up about my sadness since I had (on paper) nothing to be sad about. But there is no reasoning away depression. And it was impossible to fight alone, even if getting help seemed humiliating (it wasn't), a whole lot of effort (it kinda was since I had no energy for anything) and like admitting defeat (because it's only a victory if won alone or some bs like that), once I realised I had to I took on a "stick to the facts" mindset and told others. Being mentally ill is like other illnesses, it's exhausting and the road to recovery is a chore with no inherent rewards and often it feels like one step forward but two steps back. I kept telling myself there is light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is bent so I can't see right now, which is corny as hell but turns out it was true. I got better because a lot of people put effort into it.

I hope you get the care you need.