Dear father. It has been a year since my last confession. Since then, I have

• Lied to my boss 300 times
• Disrespected my parents 12 times
• Got into arguments with my wife 56 times
• Masturbated 4,530 times
• Murdered trillions of children 4,530 times
• Called God’s name in vain 5,900 times
• Became nihilistic 40 times
• Participated in 95 gooning sessions
• Stolen from work 500 times
• Imagined my wife being naked 600 times

And I ask for forgiveness for any sins that I’ve forgotten to mention today.