He was just an average kid, looking for some adventure
But when adventure finds him
*cuts to The Kid (played by Finn Wolfhard)
getting woken up on his horse" Wait, what's going on?
*Glanton (played by Adam Sandler) is shaking him "Wake up, lazy bones! We're gonna sack this village!"
*cuts to wide shot of the Gang approaching the village (which is notably white, so as not to anger the Native American market) as dramatic BWOMMMMS play"
*Suddenly, the dramatic tension cuts as one of the villagers shoots an arrow at Glanton's crotch, causing him to cringe"
*The Judge (played by The Rock in white-face, for some easily marketable controversy) winces and goes "Ooooh, right in the Toadvine!"™
*Cormac McCarthy himself shows up to say "Nuff said!"
...he's gonna need some friends along the way
THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
This summer
"The kid yells "This desert is our home! We can't let the army take what's ours! Who's with me gang?" as everyone cheers"
...the west...
*shows The Kid and Toadvine (who is now played by Leslie Jones) beatboxing on their horses"
...is gonna get....
shows the dancing bear beating up army goons as The Judge rides on his back with a rifle"
...wild
music stops with a record scratch as The Judge twerks"
*Glanton's jaw drops as The Kid goes "Awkwaaaaard™ *
BLOOD MERIDIAN, RATED PG-13 (accompanied by a cgititle screen and a guitar rif)
"The scene cuts to black"
*Suddenly, the scene cuts back to The Judge sitting in a saloon, when he hears a voice say "Hey Holden, I'm not through with you""
*Camera tums around, showing an aged Javier Bardem reprising his role as Anton to set up the McCarthy Cinematic Universe"
·2 months ago