12 hours later: I'm out of even nonsense ideas. PC is ewaste, be a year or two before I can afford a cheap one from Walmart or smth. I sometimes amaze myself, followed a straightforward installer so wrong it killed my PC. That's actual talent, really.
Least I still got the phone.
Installed Nobura so wrong it killed my windows install, isn't installed, and I can't install any os to any drive
If I get my computer back up I am learning the lesson I am too incompetent for linux
This is a total replacement of original title and body text
Please send your laptop to 1000 Colonial Farm Road, Langley, VA 22101 for complimentary laptop repair. We can fix it for you by Thursday.