I know that everyone who follows this carnage in Gaza and wider is fucked up. I see it. So if you want to comfort me by saying I'm not alone, it won't work.

I can't take it anymore. I'm avoiding my shrink because she will gaslight me that I am doing this to myself alone. She'll tell me not to follow the news, not to interact with people online about this and such stuff. I never found the words to defend my support to Gaza to her. I won't stop watching. It's the least I can do. I don't want to turn my head and continue with my life. I don't understand how doesn't she get that. And I don't understand how people can not think about what's happening in Gaza.

Yeah, genocide is making me devastated and depressed and the only way I can feel better is if someone could end this carnage in the Middle East. But even after that, it's impossible to just forget and be happy like nothing happened. I will always carry this scar, I feel.

I also feel selfish for writing this. Because Gazans are the ones who suffer, I'm just depressed from what's happening to them, what are scum doing to them. I feel guilt for eating, for taking a cab to work, for buying skincare... I'm spending so much money on donations and even the fact I'm doing something to those people doesn't comfort me.

I'm trying to avoid the news. I just follow Gaza Now and watching what is fucking Pissrael doing to Gaza and wider. I can watch disfigured kids, but I can't read news, even from leftist outlets because I am sick and tired of talking and this is not ending. Just talk talk talk.

First thing I do when I wake up is checking if my friends from Gaza were online. That's indication if they're still alive. If they weren't online, my heart will sink until someone from them sends me a message and while I'm waiting, I'm trying to find out what happened.

I can't take it anymore. I'm constantly thinking about them and how the hell are they surviving this. My heart literally bleeds together with theirs. I want this to fucking end and I want my friends to live. I want their sufferings to finally end.

I hate everyone, I'm scared what's waiting for us and I can't believe that we're witnessing this.

I'm on 20mg of lexapro and it helps. But I am nevertheless so fucking depressed. Where's this planet going? Why did it have to be this way?

I'll die. I will literally die from sadnesses and hopelessness.

USA and Israel and all of your fucking allies, FUCK YOU. I hope something really bad will happen to you. You've destroyed all of our lives, but above everything, you genocide people in front of our eyes. Fuck you to hell, fucking monsters.

  • Lenins_Cat_Reincarnated
    ·
    2 months ago

    I cry so often nowadays and try to just let the emotions out when I’m alone so I can function ‘normally’ in public. Idk what is the best approach to deal with the depression and sadness. I just tell myself that being afraid and sad means that I’m human and it motivates me to not give up the fight.

    I do think that we all deserve a distraction sometimes and taking a break from reading the news sometimes can actually help us gain strength to fight harder (depends on the person I suppose).

    • Mantikora [none/use any]
      ·
      2 months ago

      I do think that we all deserve a distraction sometimes and taking a break from reading the news sometimes can actually help us gain strength to fight harder (depends on the person I suppose).

      I manage to distract myself, but it doesn't last. The thing is, I've connected to those two young people from Gaza and this became personal to me. It's not just "people are being genocided", it's "my friends are going through hell". I wonder how families abroad who have someone in Gaza feel if I am fucked up like this. But I've met Palestinians, they're incredibly patient and resilient and noble... They endure pain like it's natural to them and in a way it is, they're experiencing it for generations now. Jesus, it's all so fucked up...

      • Lenins_Cat_Reincarnated
        ·
        2 months ago

        I have friends in Gaza too, I know what it’s like. And I know Palestinians in my own country who have family that are being killed and they are obviously the most determined activists you’ll ever meet because it’s the only thing they can do to help their people. But yeah it’s rough. As I said, I cry all the time about it.

        • Mantikora [none/use any]
          ·
          2 months ago

          🫂🫂🫂

          I don't know how to comfort you, this is beyond scary. And thank you for replying, it means a lot to get in touch with people who think and feel like I do. It's a small comfort in all of this, but still is.

  • Wakmrow [he/him]
    ·
    2 months ago

    Do you have people you talk to that have similar views as you

    • Mantikora [none/use any]
      ·
      2 months ago

      Only my mother and my husband, but my husband is seeing me in this state is also afraid for me sometimes. People around me just don't care. My country sucks when empathy to non-white people concerns. Just yesterday my hairdresser said nonchalantly "oh, you still preoccupy with that". Yeah...

  • Hestia [she/her, love/loves]
    ·
    2 months ago

    I won't say you should unplug completely.

    My recommendation is to start reading some good fiction books. I've been reading 4th Wing and have been enjoying it.

  • TheOubliette@lemmy.ml
    ·
    2 months ago

    Despair is natural in the face of genocide, it means you are empathetic and aware. Despair like this is even more likely when one does not have an outlet, a course of action they can take in solidarity or comrades to talk to about it. Do you have anyone you could talk to or know a local group that also cares about this like you do? They might be organizing protests or vigils.

    • Mantikora [none/use any]
      ·
      2 months ago

      Do you have anyone you could talk to or know a local group that also cares about this like you do? They might be organizing protests or vigils.

      I probably do, but knowing myself, I wouldn't be long in the group because I am kind of a loner. I chat a lot with people from other countries who are donating religiously like me, but we're all in sort of despair.

      I mean, this really needs to stop. We are all affected by this. Fascism is raging and this needs to stop.

      If I wasn't on lexapro, I would probably be in a hospital. This way I am able to function. People usually say they can't cry on lexapro. Well, go and watch online genocide and I guarantee you will cry your heart out. I've cried so much.

      I really can't stand the fact that those people don't eat, don't sleep and have to see butchered loved ones every single day. The horrors they're facing every single day. Why is that allowed? Why our voices don't mean anything? Why their suffering doesn't matter shit to stupid governments? How is this possible?!