CW: troubling thoughts about global crisis
Figured I would add a content warning bc would not want to read this on a bad day lol
I actually feel crazy sometimes. How am I supposed to accept what marxism tells me the ruling class is willing to do to maintain power and reconcile it with the technology they have without denialism and not feel like a conspiracy theorist. I will see new tech like ai and, especially when the tech is hyped up, wonder what the bourgeois want it for. What might they be developing it to do? They aren't blind, they know what is to come when the earth gets too hot and they aren't doing anything to prevent it. Which leads me to believe they are more focused on insuring their survival which of course implies the automation of our labor, likely through ai which would explain their interest in it.
I think I have a strong pattern seeking brain and I want to connect all the dots yk? Tie everything in to one grand understanding. I know that this is likely impossible, many of the things that are done and invested in are likely just solely for the sake of profit. Not everything is a calculated malice. But some of it definitely is, some, likely many, of the ruling class are very conscious of their class position and intend to maintain it through whatever means necessary. I find this internal struggle difficult to manage. I know that my desire for a grand theory is rooted in terror because my response for fear has always been an attempt at understanding and so I am distrustful of this want. Yet, my fear is not unfounded, it is certain that I and all people of all oppressed classes are in danger and it is certain who is responsible. So I am at an impasse. It seems I have three options.
I can
- feed my fear by giving into conspiracy, let myself find temporary comfort in a constructed reality that validates my inaction
- give into denialism and pretend someone will do something and everything will be ok
- live the rest of my life in a constant state of dread for the famine and slaughter that is already inevitable
I hate y'all for what you did to me (affectionate)
I am actively choosing option 3 daily and will continue to do so because it is the only choice that empowers action but I constantly worry about falling into either of the 2 other thought patterns accidentally or without my notice. Do y'all stress about this as well?
I mean this is in the most gentle and comradely way possible, but this incomplete. Because what you're really seeing as the third option is:
Because the sad fact is, that shit's already happening to people across the globe, and at some level probably even in your own back yard to indigenous peoples. That's the shit we try not to think about even though it's what fuels this nightmare machine we're living in. Many of us are just as much in denial as Libs are, and I cannot emphasize how much that be can epitomized in the "Back to Normal" rhetoric. Normal is currently an extra 5% Social Murder a day compared to pre-2019 levels. And that's a conservative estimate. Normal is our dreams of what we thought our life was going to be under Capitalism as a freaking wage slave. And when the Conglomeration Nation had to shut down for a few months over a viral infestation, instead of looking for the opportunity to deal the final blow, most of us were looking for reasons to get back to our fur lined chains and get back to work.
That's what I stress about. I read probably more history than theory, but because of that I often look at the lives of revolutionaries and martyrs, who were just Normal People. I look at what they were willing to sacrifice to fight for their comrades, in order build something greater than this nightmare we live in, and I wonder if I'm ever gonna be able to step the fuck up. Or, if I'm just gonna let them do all the shit to my friends and family that I've been ignoring across the globe so I can pretend we're not in a Class War.
I'm actually a lot less worried about what will happen to me. Being in the imperial core and as priveleged as I am... I'm as secure as I can be for someone working class. I'm lucky in that regard. If greenhouse gas production ceased right now for good I might actually be fine. But I will have to watch an incomprehensable suffering because hundreds of millions of graves have already been dug with plastic shovels. I know that I will live my life asking why I didn't do more even if I am to do everything I can. That is if I don't eat bullets. This somehow felt overdramatic or self agrandizing to write out. I'm no saint and obviously I'm scared for my own life as well, starvation is of course horrifying, but I don't think my dread can be narrowed down to just this. I think its the total powerlessness to prevent this genocide (even if everyone did everything they could) and the collective lack of political will and power to mitigate it that eats at me. I know that people will eventually be disillusioned but every day that they aren't more people are sentenced to a cruel miserable death.
I'm gonna read more memoirs from revolutionaries. See what they did. I don't know if I've internalized this reality enough to abandon my current way of life and give myself wholly to a revolutionary cause. I have so far been able to see through the illusion of our society but have maintained it outwardly. The coercion to abide by this illusion is hard to resist even when you are aware of it. I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending a comfortable future exists.
To put a much less doomer spin on things, I very much recommend learning about Lucio Urtubia.