I haven't felt anything besides low burning self contempt for years. Emotions like sadness and happiness elude me. I haven't sincerely shouted for joy or wept in years. I also have no desire to get close to other people and form relationships. This makes it nigh impossible for me to give a shit about even important things. While I don't feel much pain anymore, I also lack the spark that makes life worth living. I feel like a soulless automaton.

Does this sound like it's related to neurodivergence? I'm 100% depressed, but years of therapy and various different medications haven't done much, so I feel like there must be more to it.

  • heggs_bayer
    ·
    1 month ago

    Are you familiar with attachment theory? Do you know your attachment style?

    I've heard about it before. While I've never had anyone else assess me on it, I'm pretty sure I'm avoidant.

    Can I ask which modalities of therapy you have tried?

    So far just talk therapy.

    • MouthyHooker [she/her]
      ·
      1 month ago

      Avoidant attachment definitely tracks with not wanting to form relationships with others. There’s a fair amount of good info online that you could dig into and see if it resonates. This Reddit reply has 3 different quizzes to choose from.

      I agree with the other reply that said it sounds like dissociation and/or depersonalization. Are those terms a therapist has discussed with you at all? Do you have a past history of trauma? (Obviously no pressure to disclose details, but a lot of what you are describing could be consistent with PTSD and/or C-PTSD, which have a lot of symptom overlap with ADHD, autism, and borderline personality disorder aka emotionally unstable personality disorder.)

      IMO, talk therapy can be kind of useless for more complex mental illnesses. I feel like if you’ve been going for years and aren’t noticing improvement, that’s a sign that you might want to consider a different modality. I have been doing EMDR with somewhat mixed results but overall I’d recommend giving it a try. Some other potential modalities to try include somatic experiencing therapy and hypnotherapy. If you go on Psychology Today’s website, you can search for therapists by modalities offered and insurance accepted. It might be worth it to go outside the box a bit since you’ve tried quite a bit and are still really suffering.

      Sorry you’re going through this. Mental illness sucks and we live in a sick society that makes it hard to heal or find happiness. I hope you are able to get some answers and/or find treatment that helps. 🩷

      • heggs_bayer
        ·
        1 month ago

        Are those terms a therapist has discussed with you at all?

        I think so, but we didn't get anywhere helpful with it.

        Do you have a past history of trauma?

        Yes.

        Thank you for your thought and care.

        • MouthyHooker [she/her]
          ·
          1 month ago

          You’re welcome. I empathize with the struggle.

          I also saw your reply that you are pretty sedentary. I know everyone says this and it’s annoying but silly little walks for your mental health do help a bit. I recently started exercising again and am devastated to report that it does actually improve my mental health 😭 I know how hard it is when you can barely get out of bed, but if you can even make yourself just do some light stretching on a mat or go for a 10 minute walk, you might notice a bit of improvement in your symptoms. It’s okay if you can’t 🩷