this is probably going to be a whole lot of rambling stream of consciousness kinda stuff, but please bear with me. also, this isn't in connection to any public mess; i want this to be my first thread on the site, to ensure that i won't forget or try to deny accountability.

i've found myself locked in this vicious spiral of breaching spaces that are ostensibly welcoming to minorities, only to find out that it's all vibes-based, to the extent of making these spaces unsafe in general, but even more frustratingly, leaving the very groups they're supposedly protecting especially vulnerable. i say minorities, but i need you to understand that i am very much white. more specifically, from a very white country, brought up in an environment where not participating in racism would lead to your being ostracised. while this was always unacceptable to me, being perceived as some kind of lunatic extremist in such environments says much more about the culture you're immersed in than it does about you. i've finally realised my dream of leaving this place behind, but i suspect it's going to take a whole lot longer for the place to leave me.

i'm also predisposed to certain things that can easily cloud my judgment in various ways. it's much more manageable than it used to be, but i've long since accepted that it's something i'm going to have to be keeping in check for the rest of my life. however. i believe i've been stumbling a bit as of late. there's certainly no shortage of libs / wreckers / fascists / what have you, but i believe all of this stuff i've been laying out thus far has merged into this colossal monstrosity in my head. it seems to me i'm on the verge of being carried away too far, too close for comfort to becoming someone whose "righteous fury" will cause them to confidently speak out of turn, achieving the exact opposite of what i set out to do. but if there's something i've learned in this life, it's that the learning is never over; you're not going to be any more of a finished product sitting on your porch in your 70's than you were celebrating your 18th birthday. it's just a matter of priorities.

thank you for your time i can't exactly stop anyone from commenting on this, but i'd like to please ask you to refrain from doing so. either way, i'll have to be logging off under the assumption that my request will be granted, as otherwise i'm afraid i'll be fixating on the what-ifs, thus taking a further toll on my already somewhat fraught mental state & making it extremely difficult for me to focus on the work that needs to be done.