It's been two months since I posted here about what I'm going through because of Gaza. Not much changed there, actually, it's worse.
In these two months, I was contacted by 5 more people and from initial 2 families, I got up to 12 of them. I am broke, but I don't regret one cent I gave them. I just regret the money that pesky merchants took from my friends for a commission. 30 fucking percent.
3 of those people HAVE NO ONE BUT ME to help them. I don't have social networks, I post here and I try to spam YouTube with their campaign links, but they're deleted.
I follow their financial status regularly and NO ONE DONATES to them.
Honestly, what the fuck?
I know that the situation for many of us is difficult. I know that people who don't have donate more than those who do have. But come on!!! No one is fucking helping those people!!
Oh, and did you know that Instagram influencers would collect money for Gazans and then ghost them? Stole their money and ghosted them??? WTF???
I'm so angry. All of them told me "the whole world is celebrating, we are left to die". I refused to celebrate fucking nye and I was next to my phone all night in case anyone has some phone battery left and needs to talk. That night was a night after 3 days of floods, people died of hypothermia, no one slept, no one could sit, they were standing in the fucking torrents of water and couldn't do anything but cry. In the morning, my friend H. told me he wants to die and that he's thinking about the suicide. Now, if you don't know, in Islam it's forbidden to even think about that. Palestinians are very, very religious, possibly the only honest Muslims in this stupid world. Now, if a Muslim thinks about the suicide, then you know what time it is. It's devastation of the spirit.
And about Muslims from Muslim countries, since I've learned a lot about them through Palestinians. Fuck you. Honestly, fuck you. It's your obligation to help the poor and in need and all you do is say "may Allah protect you". You don't even see Palestinians as people. They're martyrs to you. "Allah is with them". Yeah, but they're still starving on the cold under the heavy bombings. So fuck you, hypocrites, I hope your fucking Ummah will fall apart.
Goddamnit. If any Palestinian is reading this, I'm sorry I am cursing Muslims, but fuck them, they are not your friends.
Fuck everyone. Everyone is trading Palestinian blood. No one cares about them. Axis of the resistance? Fuck you with the resistance. Fuck the West, fuck Ummah, fuck everything!!!
Oh.
One more thing. The Middle East is the cradle of civilization. You bitches will never ever see those places again because IOF, USA and islamic radical terrorists destroyed so many historical locations. FUCK YOU ALL!!!
I will never forgive this to anyone. Never.
In the end. I was diagnosed with serious health issues like eating disorder and muscle atrophy. No wonder, I barely manage to breath how much time I'm spending on the phone talking to my friends and going through everything with them. I'll have to buy some fucking food substitute that costs like hell. I told this to my Gazans, that I won't be able to donate as often as I did until now. You wanna know what they told me? Bear in mind, they don't have ANYTHING or ANYONE and they're living on the ground, in tents made of rags, if they ate that day, it's a fucking lottery. Bear in mind few of them are mothers of starved children.
I'm going to cry again.
They told me they love me and that I should take care of myself and that god will help them. "Sister, no one showed feeling for us like you did."
I swear to god, I could kill someone because of this genocide. Who are you killing? Who are you dehumanizing? The most noble and kind people I ever met in my life. Goddamn, fuck you all...
i don't have any words that can change the situation and words are all i can afford to share since the tiktok ban is making it impossible for me to help further in the only other way that i can, through my donations.
my own mental health struggles have taught me the hard way that you have to focus on yourself first because you will not be able to effectively help other people if don't and it will get worse for both you and them if you try to do it anyways.
whether or not you believe in god and/or psychotherapy; it sounds like what she told you was the same advice that was borne out of the difficult failures of others who came before us as they also had to learn the hard way from our shared cold & uncaring reality.
the anger is justified and you have to take care that it doesn't hurt you further since internalizing it fuels all mental health problems. it's cliche; but my own failures have proved to me that it's also true: find a way to control it so that it stops controlling you.
Thank you for your words. 🫂
I know that it's been almost impossible to promote their campaigns lately, the amount of censorship is insane.
I know I need to take care of myself and I will, because I am losing my physical strength to deal with all this shit. But the guilt that comes with it is unbearable.
I have a psychiatrist... I didn't called her in months. I don't have energy for her gaslighting. I use her as a prescriber of my antidepressants and that's it. She doesn't understand my grieve and my pain, to her it's all self-sabotage. People like her... I don't like people like her. People who ignore the reality because it's easier.
I feel like Gaza is the grave of humanity. I don't understand nothing anymore... How's it possible that we are protesting against this genocide and no one in the power can't do anything? They're all so incompetent that they allow IOF and settlers to scare the UN aid workers from entering Gaza. Where are the UN forces to accompany them? Are they all so afraid of Israel that they can only talk about the genocide and famine and do nothing?
God, I'm so angry...
i'm angry too; but i think that it's tempered by learning some of the answers to those questions you asked captured in the writings of people from the past that also struggled against power that seemingly couldn't do anything to help when it was needed most.
those writings explain to me how the iof; the settlers; and the genocide are all manifestations of the inherent contradictions of our shared capitalist system that are getting worse and also explains why the world sits back powerlessly watching it happen in front of them.
my ancestors endured the same treatment that the palestinians are enduring now and at the hands of the same capitalist system that will also create native-american style reservations in isreal, but for the palestinians who are lucky enough to survive once they done culling them into numbers too small to ever effectively resist the boot on their collective necks ever again (exactly like what still happens to my people today). in the future there will be others forced into this same situation simply because people refuse to learn from these writings that captured the hard fought lessons for posterity and improvement of mankind.
i don't blame them for refusing to read it; our shared capitalist system has done an EXCELLENT job at demonizing it so well that people would rather disengage and pretend it's not happening rather than endure ostracization while simultaneously getting the answers that explain all of it since it's literally happened several times before like it did w my ancestors and other peoples' ancestors and is happening to the gazans today.
also: my mental health got A LOT better when i switched from psychiatry & medication only to talk therapy with a psychologist; maybe it can help you too.
My friend just informed me she lost her brother in law and her niece. Killed in bombings. Three weeks ago she lost her father.
Since burial costs 300$ or else the bodies end in a mass grave, I'm kindly asking if anyone can donate to http://spot.fund/lj4zktsc