I am not saying this to be provocative. Every now and then I think about this and I scorn myself for it, but there is another part of me that feels that this likely isn’t as big of a deal as I think.
I have never been a hardcore antisemite who accused Jews of being behind world domination or anything like that, but on at least a few occasions I have made antisemitic remarks, both intentional and unintentional.
[Examples]
I remember that over a decade ago I was watching somebody play a computer game (can’t remember which) where the player could pick up a cross as a weapon, and I joked, ‘It must be for scaring Jews.’ (I know that you couldn’t see it, but merely typing that made me cringe.)
But I also acted antisemitic unintentionally, like when a woman told me that she was Jewish I said that it was ‘a shock’, which clearly felt off‐putting for her.
There was also a somewhat more recent incident where I tried to amuse an acquaintance by writing a quote attributed to Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, ‘For a Jew nothing is more offensive than the truth.’ I then wrote a list of facts to him (‘water boils at 211.95 ℉’, & cetera), and asked him if he felt offended. Unfortunately, he didn’t get it and he at first thought that I was being completely serious. He then seemed calm and maybe forgiving after I explained my intent, but I’m still embarrassed that my attempt at humor fell so flat.
There were likely a few more remarks that I made, but I can’t unforget them at the moment. Except for one joke that I made that is hard for me to explain due to the software involved.
Maybe I am being overly optimistic here, but if I’m being honest, Jews who know anything about me probably don’t care if I made a few lousy jokes about them years ago, not only because I’ve done better things since then but also because I know now that what I said was wrong.
Maybe if I were formerly an outright white nationalist they’d either feel nervous around me or shun me, but if I only behaved inappropriately a few times, and I know now that I shouldn’t have done that, then I’m guessing that it really isn’t a big deal. At all.
No, I’m not okay. I’m tired. I’ve been depressed for at least seventeen years now and it distorts my perception of reality. Same with my obsessive–compulsive disorder, which causes me to dwell on previous interactions a lot. I don’t know if that explains anything, but it isn’t meant to be an excuse; I don’t have a good excuse.
Uhh… to be honest I’m kind of embarrassed now that I made this thread and I am tempted to delete it.