i know this post is super indulgent of my personal drama and bullshit and it should interest nobody, but i'm posting here because i've lost a lot of social cohesion this year and don't know who else to talk to, sorry.

finally got back onto dating apps despite it being a fucking pandemic. so many people fucking around with mind games. it's not like i even get that many matches (opportunities) and then these people waste my fucking time when i get my hopes up that something might click. this one person literally setup a meeting 3 times and canceled the day of each time and i told them to figure their shit out and a month later they reach out and i stupidly give them another shot and then boom they cancel again. 4 cancels on the day of? like why are you even on an app?

saw another person who i fell fast for. we had only two dates, and both were amazing. the first one was of the top nights of my life for sure. spent the night at their place both times, they treated me like their partner and told me about their family and life and said they wanted to see me again etc. talked about our cats meeting and all kinds of shit. we had so much in common and they were beautiful and intoxicating. then somehow they just went cold and decided they didnt have enough time for me with their job, which just means to me, you don't have time at all.

i really think i loved this person, and yeah it was way too early too soon, but they gave me signals that i interpreted as something super special and rare and i really fell for them. i wrote a bunch of music about them and now i hate it all and don't want to make music for a while and that pisses me off because that's my passion. i had all these plans to take them out and i wanted to make a mixtape of all the music we had been sharing with each other on an old 80s tape because they really like old antiques. i had all these fucking dumb ideas in my head that my life might fucking change. that maybe one day i wouldn't keep waking up alone. i went around and told a bunch of my friends and family that i thought i had found someone really special and i told my therapist that this was a turning point in my life which has been stuck in a rut for 3 years. i really felt like this person was an important part of my path in this life. i can't explain it, but i felt an intense connection. i remember writing on here when i posted a song i made about them that i felt 'immense' and i did back then. i felt huge and expansive and alive. i remember laying in their bed and thinking to myself 'i can feel my heart fluttering' and i was happy in a way i hadn't been in so long. i hadn't felt this strongly about somebody since high school and so it felt really exciting and fresh and i guess i was stupid and let my guard down and now i'm burned badly. and now i have more baggage to carry to the next person who wastes my time. more shit to navigate because my trust issues just get worse.

these days alone are really hard. feels like nothing changes. always trying to make connections that never quite line up. time is a flat circle i guess.

back to trying to love myself because somehow that will magically bring someone to me according to people who have it all figured out.

thanks for listening.