This summer I invested $17,500 (six months salary and my entire life savings) into ornamental gourd futures, hoping to capitalize on this lucrative emerging industry. After watching a video about Vincent Kosuga and his monopoly on onions, I decided I'd try to do something similar with another vegetable. I did some research and found out many agricultural forecasters expected this year's gourd yield would be far smaller than the past, due to deteriorating soil conditions in central Mexico and a warmer-than-average spring. At first, demand soared around Halloween and prices skyrocketed, but the gourd bubble burst on November 12th. Unfortunately, the coronavirus caused a massive drop-off in demand due to fewer families decorating their tables for thanksgiving, and prices plummeted. I had invested early enough that I thought I would still be fine, but then on the morning of December 2nd, a new email in my inbox caused my stomach to turn into a pretzel. The massive gourd shipment from Argentina, scheduled for early March, had arrived. I was planning on selling off my futures right before this, in February, but this ruined everything. To top it off, the gourds in this shipment were absolutely gargantuan, some topping 4 pounds each, causing the price-per-pound to drop like an anchor into the range of 6 cents per pound. I am ruined.

  • science_pope [any]
    ·
    4 years ago

    Losing your life savings in decorative gourd futures is such a beautifully conceived bit that I absolutely refuse to believe this is true. Good copypasta, regardless.

    • AMWB [he/him]
      ·
      4 years ago

      I think the idea came from the simpsons https://youtu.be/3w5D9yJUMOc Great bit tho beautifully written

  • Phish [he/him, any]
    ·
    4 years ago

    Hang on now, there's a lot of potential in the "people who put phallic vegetables in their ass" market.