tl;dr: have a friend who has historically always been mad when his friends got a gf/wife. He acts like he's 15 years old and saying "bros before hoes" still. He calls me and other friends a yuppie or breeder, and he thinks crosswalks are authoritarian so he has to always be a "rebel" and make it seem like he has the most unique viewpoint in the world. He doesn't change anything about himself, and he's stubbornly proud of having "no filter." This has caused every wife/gf of his friends to not like him. He will never be invited to any kind of social event because he will say stupid shit. Like, nobody has to be a rabid commie all the fucking time. Him and my gf got into a huge fight because he always talks like an asshole, and i live with my gf, so he doesnt come to my house at all because he'll say some shit. He still brings up this fight when im around him, and it's like get the fuck over it. I basically don't share anything about my life that involves my partner now, because he'll say something fucking stupid about her. He also begins a lot of sentences with "well" or "actually" which is never helpful. He literally can't admin when he is wrong, even about the simplest shit.
This really all seemed to get worse once I started my current long term relationship, and then it got way worse when my gf got sick of his shitty attitude and how he treats everyone like an asshole. He literally just can't be chill at all. No leftist(or similar) should be ranting constantly about every single injustice during every single social situation. That is exhausting to be around, and there is a time and place for it, but there has to be an ability to switch that shit off.
Finding and keeping relationships requires changing yourself just a bit, and making compromises, and it's now become apparent he isn't capable of that.
related question: have you ever dumped a long time friend? This is all a somewhat recent change, like the past 3-4 years, and it really seems to be because im in a relationship like most of our friend group, so now he's totally alone. Ive heard him say he's in therapy but i have to wonder if that's true, because it clearly isn't working. I'm annoyed by him but I pity him too because he can't fucking change for anybody at all.
damn, that's a whole other bag of shit to deal with. That doesn't really make it a friendship if they are just waiting for you to come around.
I'll disagree with you here and say it's definitely their fault. Nobody should try to be friends with someone they want to date, and especially if that that friend doesn't reciprocate those feelings at all. Your "friend" should have moved on of their own volition, instead they are just sticking around so now it will be your "fault". That's a real shit move by them.
I think that's a little too far I don't see how you are supposed to approach people romantically if you can't get to know them first. You just need to take rejection in stride and it's on you to not make it weird after you've shot your shot
if you're just going to pine then yeah that's not on. If someone makes it clear they aren't romantically into you then you need to move on
Yeah fair enough. It's just like, ahh it just feels like I'm gonna hurt them and they are a very nice/kind person at heart. It's just like, I don't appreciate it when people tell me how I can feel/how I should feel/ it's fucking weird to me to have someone argue with me about MY feelings. That really is what killed me
and women seem to be in this position the most often too. it's definitely a running theme i've witnessed personally. There's not as many men saying "i just can't get this woman to leave me alone." Men are very willing to just pretend to be friends and hope things will change, and it usually doesn't change.
This person is actually a trans woman but yeah its just... not gonna change. They did something critical at the beginning which was assume that I had feelings for them, and expressed that to me. Like "I know we're both feeling that way". Just totally turned me off because it's like, how do you just assume that? Like jfc gross. I have my own feelings and I can choose to express them. And then they were telling other people that I had feelings for them, I just found out last night. Just triggering me tbh lol sorry for a rant here
my bad on that, i wasnt trying to assume their gender. Some people just see someone being nice to them and immediately think that should turn into a date.
Yeah. That's definitely a thing. was just giving context you're totally fine.
Update if you're interested:
Last night they got upset that I was being wishy washy about hanging out thos weekend, because I said I had non concrete plans with someone else. They Def got p upset because they felt like they were a "backup friend" (I was meeting a new person.. not that they require an explanation) and they started doing the "Oh nice people like me get the short end of the stick" thing... which just kinda triggered me because like wtf is going on, we are not in a relationship lmao.
So I sent them a long message telling them that I am ending the friendship and how I'm going to proceed with shared spaces. Don't know how they're doing now, hope they're okay because it was pretty cold tbh but I needed to get the point across. Seems to have worked but idk, I'm a little nervous they're gonna show up at my house or something >.> we will see
yea they were hoping for a lot, or reading into things too much. Like if someone is just hanging out and it never gets physical in any way(sex or kissing) then they are reading too much into it. it does sound like they think anyone who is nice to them might date them, which is erroneous on their part. hell, ive been in fwb situations where i knew they werent going to date me. It really pays off to be chill.
Really does. Like it really just sucks though because we have shared spaces and I'm a little scared this is gonna basically make them feel awkward in those spaces. On the other hand, I'm not the one making weird romantic and sexual advances.